First of all, I'm new here and to message boards in general, so: I'm 17 yrs old and have been depressed for as long as I can remember, but it's gotten way worse recently. I'm really scared to depend on people for things, even though I see a doctor to talk about my problems, so even posting on here is scary for me, because I feel I'm asking too much of people even to read this and respond and care.
I've had a huge crush on a guy in one of my classes for months now, and I can't stop thinking about him. I called him a few nights ago and he didn't call back, and I completely broke down, even though I found out later he just forgot. I have friends but I'm not as close with them as I'd like to be because I'm scared to tell them things. I'm scared they will realize how much I need them. But the fact that this guy probably doesn't feel the same way about me hurts more than anything else I've experienced in my life, but it's also the fact that I don't feel like there's anyone I can fall back on. (My family is really supportive but it's not the same.)
I feel extremely alone and binge on food to feel better. I do other things to sedate myself extremely frequently but I can't say what they are on here. My doc tells me not to but it's soooo tempting. I haven't gained much weight but it's only a matter of time and that will only make me feel worse because I'm obsessed with how I look.
I'm also really bad at expressing the intensity of my pain, but I'm guessing most of you would understand how bad it is. It's constantly weighing on me, inhibiting my animation, buffering the effects of any possible good thing. It's like living in a bubble, but not the kind of bubble where you're sheltered from things, the kind where you're constantly bombarded with things that make you feel like you are not worth being alive, interacting with other people, taking up space. That sentiment comes from me, I realize that, not from others, but it doesn't make it easier to get rid of.
Another thing, I told this girl who is supposed to be one of my best friends that I am going on meds and she was like, "Why?" I said, "Because I'm clinically depressed." She just smirked and said, "No you're not" really dismissively, and then turned and started talking to another girl about something else. It was so incredibly painful.
I used to be a ridiculously good student, kind of an overachiever, which was just a way to distract myself from the fact that I wanted friends and a boyfriend. I definitely don't want to go back to that extreme, but I'm at the other end of the spectrum now because I haven't been able to do my homework for weeks. I always just end up crying. But then that's what I end up doing whenever I'm alone.
I really want this guy to know how depressed I am, just so I could get pity from him, some kind of affection from him.
Like I said I feel really vulnerable just posting this, but I just want to hear from people who can identify with this and who have something to say that is affectionate and encouraging, unlike my so-called "friend." Ughhh...this sucks so much :(