I want to tell you that you are not alone.
I was raped when I was 12. Never told anyone about it so of course he is still on the streets.
I am now 36 and until finding this message board had kept the dark secret hidden.
I finally told my mother about it a few months ago,not even going into the rape just telling her that he had touched me.
I believe (and this has taken awhile for me to get to this phrase of healing) that in order to heal you need to talk about it. So you are taking the first step. I am not sure if you will ever get over it,it has been 24 years for me and I still have nightmares. I still can not stand certain smells ect.
But you do get through it. Some days are harder than others. Some days you won't even think about it. Some nights you will have pleasant dreams,other nights you will wake up screaming.
But,there will be a time to where you will get through the whole day without thinking about it. I believe that is a huge step towards healing.
Your self esteem problem is something that will take awhile. You blame yourself,in some ways if not all.
You ask yourself many times what could you have done to prevent it. What did you do to cause it.
Those are easy questions for someone who has not been raped to answer,they of course tell you that it was not your fault and that you should not blame yourself. But they are not easy questions for the victim to answer for themselves.
I too went through an eating disorder,except for me it is and was just not eating.
I think that you are doing the same thing as me,you think of eating as enjoyable...if you throw up you are punishing yourself like you think you deserve.
So,I guess through all of this rambling I am saying that yes they are right it was not your fault. But,You are the only one that can tell yourself that as you are the one that has to learn to believe it.
Days will get better,but it is something you have to work on.
I wish there was a magic pill that could erase all memories but their isn't,so it is up to you to figure out a way to make your days get better.
I just want you to know that you are not alone,and use this board for that reason. It helps believe me.
And you might want to think about going to a doctor if you have not already. They can help you with your eating disorder and give you something to help get through the days.
Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia