I started with cosmetology school, thinking I would enjoy it, but slowly as time went on my hatred grew day after day towards it. I have been going to the school for ten months now and I only have four to go, but for some reason this part of it has been the worst and hardest to handle. This is only part of my problem.
Back on Super Bowl Night, my brother was driving to IOWA after a party, he fell asleep to the wheel and hit head on with a semi-truck, in his dinky little white car. He survived, but ended up being paralyzed from his chest down. Now he just turned nineteen a couple weeks ago and he was eighteen when this happened a couple months ago. I am 20 years old and for the first time in my life I feel like I have grown up. I cannot believe something like this has to happen to open my eyes and see what I really have really done in my own life. It has secluded me from my parents, because they're busy with my brother. I have found that I am becoming more and more independent, growing further away from my parents. I love John so much and worry about him, because he has a fully functional brain and he still scored a 32 on his ACT score. He just can't move his body. But with this going on, I have no one to turn to, other than my fiancee who I've been with for five years now.
My fiancee is the only one who knows that I have been cutting my wrist, which I know sounds like something lame and retarded and I know it sounds like I'm just searching for attention. But really I am just looking for what will calm me down. I just heard that it relieves some people from their pain, so why shouldn't I try it? So I tried and I liked it. I cussed a few bad words and said I don't give a darn anymore and just cut myself. I didn't feel any pain what so ever. I guess to me cutting myself, and not feeling the pain I should feel when you get cut, is reasurring to me. It makes me sometimes start to believe that maybe I don't have to feel the pain I am feeling inside if I can't feel it on the outside. I know that still sounds lame, but I'm not just being a big baby and I think that is what most people think of people like me. I am really just venting, but if someone has something to reply I would greatly appreciate your concern and help. I am praying for all of you guys who are going through similar struggles in your lives.