I have always been somewhat quick tempered... But lately it has been pretty extreme. I have been under a ton of pressure and I know that before I was diagnosed with Crohns that I could have dealt with it easily. With the time I spend fighting my disease and trying to find the right mix of medications to make me feel okay I feel that the other things are getting pushed to the side. I have been working hard at my job, going to grad school for an MBA to get out of my job, I own a house, just bought a new car, I am putting my wife through her masters degree. I am only 26 and I have been supporting a household for four years on my own. Not to mention that I have pretty severe crohns disease. Sometimes I feel like I am going to snap.
I get angry quickly at work. Very quickly. It probably doesnt help that my boss is a jerk and has tried to get me to leave- being a federal employee he cannot fire me because of my illness or abscences. But he has tried getting me to leave on my own, and has made some pretty lame attempts. He actually tried to get me to take a 50% pay cut after my surgery and told me that they might have to 'reassign me to something worse' - I just wish I had a tape recorder at the time.
I have had violent thoughts, a lot of them lately. Not to do violence to myself, but to others. I have had these in past mind you and have never acted on them. I am starting to consider it though. Sometimes I get crazy mad and smash things to get it out of my system and then I will have a calm or down feeling for a while.
I have also thought about ruining my bosses life. He has made me feel like such crap in the past two years that I think I should take my frustration out on him. He has been less than supportive when it comes to my illness and it drives me nuts that some pile of crap like him can have his health and not me.
I have done the talk therapy thing before, it doesn't work when you know you are justified in your anger. I am just wondering if this is something that is common in depression, or is it something more serious? I don't want to do something that will put me in jail or a nuthouse. My wife is a psychologist in the making. She knows nothing about this because I manage to hide most of it from her. I don't want my wife and my family to think I am crazy.
If any of you have this sort of problem could you talk to me about it. I need advice on what I should do.
"History does not long entrust the care of freedom to the weak or the timid"