I hate myself. Yes. I hate me. I hate me for who I am. Why can't I feel better??
Nothing seems to help. Meds, counselling - they're just a waste of time for me. I'm 20. I'd been diagnosed with Chronic Major Depression and Borderline Personality Disorder. I was prescribed with Zoloft then Luvox then Prozac with Epilim and Valium. They don't seem to help. I'm still lost. Lost in my thoughts of self-destruction. i told my doctor that the med doesn't help and ask if should try another drug but he slap me in the face by saying "don't make believe." Now i no longer come for my follow-ups. But i think i will when i run out of my 'potion'.
I was hospitalized last year for attempting suicide. And I ended up in ER few times for drug overdose.
I haven't been cutting for like 3 weeks as a commitment for my relationship with my fiance. But i feel really terrible. No days spent without sheding a tears. Especially since he's working offshore and I'm all alone by myself. I battle with the temptation of suicide every single day. I just hate everything. I'm torn. but I love him! I thought love can cure me but it's not that simple. crap!
And my BPD worsen my situation. It's like I don't know me anymore. I have no control over myself. I want to be happy but all I can feel is anger and irritability. I messed up our relationship with fights that I created. When I'm angry I'm so very angry that I could say and do anything. Then, I would regret it later and start feeling bad and hating myself. I hate me for huting him. I hate me for hurting everyone around me. I hate me for being selfish. I hate me for I can't stop feeling like this!!
Tell me, how should I live when I keep feeling terrible about life??
I am sorry but I had to edit parts of your post due to forum rule #1 of no discussion of self harm. I have left a reply to your post below with some websites for you to check you if you like. Thank you ~ Elisha
Post Edited By Moderator (els) : 5/12/2006 3:52:32 PM (GMT-6)