Hi, Group. I was wondering if anyone has experienced what I am right now. Here is my story. I have suffered from cycles of depression sense I was a teenager.. well actually I believe it could be a mild form of bi-polar mostly because it comes in patterns... every few months I will get depressed.. then I will feel happy.. then a few months later depressed. But I was never diagnosed & I self medicated (first through drinking & drugs) using st. johns wart & it really worked for me. I guess I convinced my self that I was ok.
Anyhow I havn't had any symptoms of depression sence last summer.. it will be a year in July. While I am not in the angony that is depression right now it still rules my life. I am not "happy". I guess I am content because I'm no longer miserable either & I don't cut myself anylonger or have thoughts of sucide. I guess I can "function" now but depression.. or rather the fear of depression... still rules my life.
I will do anything it takes to avoid the agony of depression... even run away from happiness. I guess some of us have triggers(mine are failure & toxic relationships) & I am terrified that if I try & fail or fall in love & get my heart broken or find a great job & loose it... that I will fall back into the agony of depression. I am prone to depression and can not get "the blues" like normal people to experience the normal ups and downs of life... I don't become "unhappy" when sad life situations come up.. I move right into a horrific stage of prolonged (sometimes I will be depressed for months or a year or more over a single event) depression. This is preventing me from moving on with my life. I feel like I can't make myself happy in the fear that the loss of that happines will lead me back into my manic, self hating, self abusing, depressed self... and that is a dark hole that I never want to enter agian. I am keeping myself content by not going after something I could loose or fail at. I guess I have just been conditioned to expect the other shoe to drop.. because it always has. I had a traumatic horrific childhood & a not so wonderful adult life... I believe all of these issues have to due with childhood abuse & I have been meaning to go see a professional but lack of insurence, a fear of being "crazy", and denial has kept me away from doctors. I guess I was just wondering if it is "normal" to avoid happiness in an attempt to avoid depression??