recently i have been having upsetting, recurring dreams-nightmares to me-just dreams to others i'm sure. they are about
being rejected and abandoned by my family-brothers, sisters, parents, neices...even my husband. it is a recurring theme in my life. i am the youngest of six children-not wanted by my siblings-just one more kid to watch as an older brother referred to me a few years back-ignored by most of them-really hated by one of two i think. i'm 42 today. you'd think i'd get over it. i heard one of my sisters had actually wished i would die in the hospital at birth instead of come home. a brother held a pillow over my face at age four and tried to make my fall down the staircase during the same age. i was my father's proverbial 'pet'-well loved and pampered- the biblical "Joseph"-type from the Bible. Oned by my father and hated by my siblings. i actually had an adult friend of the family tell me that when i was in college. i always knew it but did not want to hear it. a different friend of the family told me that he knew my parents well when my mom was pregnant with me and that she did not want me. after all she already had 5 other kids. he said she comtemplated an abortion but couldn't because she was a Christian woman. i'm being haunted by all these horrible memories all of a sudden because of these awful dreams i'm having on a regular basis!!!!! i thought i had put all this crap behind me and moved on
i keep having sad and horrible memories that i just can't seem to let go of. i think of them over and over. i can't change them.
my father loved me 'when i was young' and he thought he could make something important out of me. he was a very mean man with his mouth, his words. he ruled by intimidation and he intended to RULE/CONTROL. he belittled and humiliated with words. he put down and shamed and rejected and threatened! isn't it ironic that he got throat cancer twice and had to have his voicebox removed the second time? he has an implant and still uses his 'voice' to threaten and belittle and put down-only it is mostly my mom these days.
i don't know why i am writing this. i don't expect anything to ever change. i guess that i just need to vent or try to sort through all this sadness so i can go on with my life.......................