Posted 5/23/2006 7:19 AM (GMT -6)
I need to add that even though my emotions freak him out,he will not put up with me not telling him how I feel. So,I told him that he needs to figure that out. As far as my family not being able to handle my "letters of truth" too bad. (I say this now as I have confidence this morning). But they should have been a better family to me. Simple as that. Sometimes I wish I could just wake up and not remember anyone from my past,and anything that happened and just start fresh. With a good outlook on life and lots of places to go.
Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia

Posted 5/23/2006 8:04 AM (GMT -6)
Hi, I am also in a shell and feel comfortable in it. I hate being thought of as "needy" and therefore rarely reach out unless I am physically sick. I have chronic depression, gerd/reflux (currently a flare up) and ibs (irritable bowel syndrome) and high blood pressure, arthritis, foot problems, asthma, allergies, arosacrea, sinusitis.
People tend to be nicer about my physical problems than my so-called mental problem. There's a lot of ignorance out there.
My reflux has me nuts at the moment, so I'll sign off with best wishes for all.
Posted 5/23/2006 12:08 PM (GMT -6)
I agree with Joan. People tend to be less nice about mental-problem. So I too feel safer in my shell.

My true feelings, the feelings that i have inside,I think are more to an annoyance for others. I always end up feeling ashamed for being so pathetic in their eyes or pissed off as they can't seem to understand me. It makes me prefer to stay in the shell and live with my beautiful mask. It's always hard to talk or vent to someone else. So I just keep my feelings and thoughts to myself and live with it alone. I may talk, but never frank enough to bare myself up. 'An honest confession but the truth still lies behind!'.
But here, i mean in a forum like this i think i do will learn to share. Feels like there's no need to fear for the 'judgemental eyes' that stare when you tell your story. Really, people are really understanding and helpful here. I made some new friends who have same diagnosis as me and we talk about our illness and thoughts freely.
So can say my shell is meant to protect me from being hurt by people that might not understand. For me, only people like us can understand us better coz we're going through the same tunnel of life.

Anyway, i wish you all the best with your relationship.

-Jane-
:: Chronic Major Depression :: BPD ::

Posted 5/24/2006 7:47 AM (GMT -6)
I agree,people like to believe what they see.
I went for 13 years without telling anyone how bad things were. Everyone thought we had the perfect family. But after the divorce I started talking to my close friends and my mom. They were shocked said they had not seen a clue. So,as far as being good about keeping a mask on,and staying in a shell I should have had an award.
I find that once you leave your shell,it seems to be harder to get back into it. Maybe because to me if feels so good to be able to talk. I do not want to go back into it as I am afraid I will never come out of it.
Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia

Posted 5/24/2006 12:30 PM (GMT -6)
Yes ShynSassy. It feels harder to get back into the shell once we leave it. I have been feeling depressed since my early teen but was only dx'd last year after my suicide attempt. For me, the shell is broken when I was hospitalized as everyone - my family n friends - know about it. And since the shell is broken, I talked and vent myself up - telling about my miseries and what I've been keeping inside for years. After that I feel uncomfortable. I lost my little secret. I feel like I'm naked in front of them. Like they can see through me although actually they cannot. But after my episode of major depression last time, i again started to fix my broken shell. I started to fake again. Coz after what they'd done for me to help me recover from this depression, still I don't have enough will and energy to keep moving on. Still I'm sick and tired of life. But Im acting as if I'm getting better coz I'm scared that they might get bored or tired and give up on me and leave me. So I'm back in my shell again - scared of being hurt and being left!

-Jane-
:: Chronic Major Depression :: BPD ::

Posted 5/25/2006 7:58 AM (GMT -6)
Hi mysts...I hear you. Even with arthritis I had two older people who basically told me to shut up! With menopause I found very little help from any women.

I am so happy I found a great shrink who is also giving me therapy.

I guess I hold a lot in with two of my friends because they have tremendous medical problems. I love to do volunteer work and try to help others. I love my volunteer jobs and the people I work with. I am blessed by living in a beautiful part of the world in the countryside.

Always...I brainwash myself to look for the good but actually I am quite disappointed and listening to the "state of the world" is even worse than my personal mess. Basically I am extremely lonely for an intimate relationship. My husband, the light of my life, died 13 years ago and I have been alone ever since. I has taken me 10 years to find friends up here (Northeast) as people are very reserved.
I lived in New York City most of my life and the people are great and very far out, lots of fun, open, etc.

Too many changes...now that it's been so long since he died, I can't cry about it,etc. This whole country pushes stocism to such a degree it is nutty. I also find that many link being sick with not being good. You didn't take care of yourself, etc. It's alot of ignorance that's why being in the shell feels so good.

Post Edited (Joan Mack) : 5/25/2006 7:05:43 AM (GMT-6)

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