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I feel so cruel..

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Posted 5/24/2006 4:12 PM (GMT -7)

I ended my relationship with my b'f today and now I feel so cruel.

His depression is stopping us have even the most normal conversation now and it's become too much for me to deal with, every day I cry and that's not right. He says he'll never seek help which is what makes me think there's no point staying.

Any nice day is ended the minute I see or speak to him because of his depressed outlook on the world. We have a holiday to Vegas booked and payed for in 4 weeks and I mentioned it today and got a reply of 'Oh i don't think I should go anymore'!!!!!!!!!!!!! and when was he gonna tell me for gods sake...when I was packing the suitcases !!!

I thought it's best to leave while I feel sorry for him than wait til we hate each other and I have no self esteem left. I wish he'd cheated, hit me or something so I could hate him but I just pity him.

I was foolish to think that me leaving would make him wake up and smell the coffee but no, it's like he has NO feelings left. No anger, hate, love..nothing! 

I've thought it's over before and he's treated it like a silly row but this was different...he suggested we still be friends but surely he'll treat me the same? Or will the pressure of a relationship not being there help you think?

Is it best to cut all ties or still check on him now and again? He won't share this with friends and has no family he speaks to.

Is he letting me walk because he wants me gone or because he knows how guilty I'll feel so thinks I'll come back..or is it likely he has no feelings left at all?

I've done nothing but love him since we met, I never thought that wouldn't be enough.

Lyndsey x

 

Posted 5/24/2006 8:40 PM (GMT -7)
It is hard to see someone you love suffering with this disease. I can't say that what you did is the correct thing to do, I can only say you need to follow your heart and do what you feel is right. Good luck and I hope you find the answers you are looking for.
We can respond to irritation with a smile instead of scowl, or by giving warm praise instead of icy indifference. By our being understanding instead of abrupt, others, in turn, may decide to hold on a little longer rather than to give way. Love, patience, and meekness can be just as contagious as rudeness and crudeness.


 

Randy

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Dx'd with Crohn's at age 12. Symptoms since age 5.

Learning to live with this Disease rather than be its victim after 40 years.

Posted 5/25/2006 1:07 AM (GMT -7)
Thanks Randy

It's starting to change who I am and my family and friends are noticing, I used to be so bubbly and have a positive outlook, thats slipping away.

I'm becoming suspicious of people, thinking negative thoughts and it's not a nice feeling, how can say he shouldn't be like that if I'm ending up like him.

I'm hoping that keeping a healthy distance I'll be more objective to the things he says and does. At the moment I'm getting too many bad things said and done to me that it's all too personal to help him.

I'll see what happens if we keep in touch, hopefully it will be a good outcome.

Lyndsey
 

Posted 5/25/2006 5:42 AM (GMT -7)
Lynds
I am sure that was probably the hardest decision you have ever made. Either of you were in a healthy enviroment and someone with depression needs that. But,it is hard to get to that point.
I am struggling here a little bit because one part of me wants to check up on him every once in awhile,but then the other part wants to tell you not to be dragged down again. Sometimes a person needs to worry about themselves only.Expecially when the other person just does not want to make things better.
Does he have a close friend or family member that you can ask to keep an eye on him? Does his family know that he is sick?
I know me,and I know that I would have a hard time completely walking away out of guilt. But that is not the way a relationship should continue. I think you have stayed this long out of guilt and that is not healthy for either of you. Hold your head up and know that things will be ok.
Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia

Posted 5/25/2006 7:01 AM (GMT -7)
Hi Lyndsey,  I am so sorry that your relationship has come to this.  Please don't feel cruel or guilty about your decision as no matter how much you may love this person you have to watch out for yourself and love yourself more.  If he is unwilling to get help and has stated this to you then all he is going to do is bring you down with him.  You cant fix him no matter how much you may want to, he has to do it himself.  You can try to remain a "caring friend" and check on him every few weeks and see how he is doing and getting along...if this doesn't end up hurting you in the long run.  There really is only so much you can do for someone who is unwilling to get help or acknowledge they even have a problem and it sounds to me that you have went above and beyond that for him in this relationship.  Your a smart woman and don't deserve to be treated in this manner.  I do hope you continue to post in the forum here...we would miss you if you left.. Hugs to you Elisha https://www.healingwell.com/donate  
Posted 5/25/2006 2:59 PM (GMT -7)

Hi guys

thanks for your replies, was expecting to be named Miss Nasty from now on haha, but I know you understand what I'm going through..it means alot !! No way would I have coped with this if I hadn't found this site.

He called from work this mornin full of the joys of spring...i could have screamed at him. Half of me is glad he sounds good, but the other half wants to shake him for expecting me to go along with what kinda day he decides we're gonna have. I'm trying to deal with my whole life plans being thrown away and his biggest worry is what to cook for dinner! Anyway, I just went along with it and chatted, whats the point of questioning him, it upsets me more than him..he's numb to it.

He's called 3 times tonight and been quite chirpy, could the thought of me leaving really give him a kick up the bum or is it out of his control how he feels each day??

I've got myself together and I'm thinking logically rather than emotionally now. I'll be there for him and let his moods go over my head if I can. He has no family he keeps in touch with, his mum passed away and he's a completely different person if his friends are around, so I'm the only one he confides in.

I'm angry my life's on hold but I can't walk away completely.

Lyndsey x

 

Posted 5/25/2006 5:01 PM (GMT -7)

Thanks atedogs,

It's difficult.. because usually doing the right thing makes you feel better, except in this case.

He is selfish for not getting help you are right..that's the word I use to describe him in my head every single day. And I totally agree..him not seeking help stops me being as understanding as I normally would.

I owe it to myself and my family to be happy, why should I ruin all the time my parents spent giving me a happy upbringing and positive outlook on life. It's not my fault he had a difficult past, I'm offering him a happy, safe and secure future and I welcomed him into my family. If he doesn't take it then I find it hard to sympathise when he has everything he's ever wanted here for the taking.

He actually stopped and asked how I was feeling earlier ...and even sounded like he meant it but I just said fine. I don't think he's ready for my probs just yet. I'll stick with my cheery smile and see where it gets me.

Lets see what tomorrow brings

Lyndsey

 

Posted 5/26/2006 3:00 AM (GMT -7)
Don't worry about being blunt, it's exactly what I need to hear. If I told anyone else about leaving him they'd just say 'aww you two are so good together, what a shame'..they haven't seen what I've seen though.

I'm going to the my doctor today about someting minor, I might just mention what's going on and see what they recommend I do.

I'm in the uk so help like this can be free so I should take advantage.

He's been his cheery little self again this mornin when he called from work but I can't get my hopes up..after all his been putting on a happy face at work for years.

Thanks again

Lyndsey
 

Posted 5/26/2006 3:13 PM (GMT -7)
This situation and his reaction to you 'breaking up' reminds me of the pattern that abused women and the abusive man get in. The wife says, I'm not putting up with this anymore, the man returns to his 'honeymoon' behavior *for a while*, but eventually becomes even more abusive than he was the first time around....the cycle continues until one day the wife has become so beaten down by the whole thing that she up and kills the husband. I'm not saying your bf is being happy on purpose right now; but I do want you to know that this kind of pattern can happen and that is ISN'T a cycle you want to get into. There is a saying "If nothing changes, nothing changes." If he doesn't get help, nothing will have changed. You might also get something out of recognizing what's *really* going on, and a therapist or some such professional will help you see the situation more clearly. DO NOT let your happy optimism about life be used and abused by someone else -- this guy or anyone!!! Lynnwood SLE,  Sjogren's Syndrome, Raynaud's Syndrome, Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), Depression, Herpes Simplex 1 Piroxicam, Plaquenil, Imuran, Prednisone, Xanax, Trazodone, Fosamax, Wellbrutrin SR, Valtrex Clickable:   LUPUS INFORMATION & LUPUS RESOURCES .
Posted 5/27/2006 3:52 AM (GMT -7)
Thanks Lynnwood

You are absolutely right...the first time he had a bad spell it shocked me so much I really did mean it when I said I'm not putting up with it. Then, when he turned it around the next week I presumed it was just what he needed  - telling that I'm no doormat and he wouldn't do it again.

But now it's a pattern, he must think I'm thick if I am gonna fall for it each time. I think he is being happy on purpose, because it's not 'really happy' like when we are having fun, it's just a chirpy voice compared to his miserable one !

I have let him phone each day and I thought it would be harder than having no contact at all. But if I'm honest it's better, like weaning me off a drug, after all you become used to a routine with each other.

They say people with depression should write their thoughts down..well I've been doing the same and it's really working. I've written lists if what I want out of a relationship and I can't tick many off that I'm getting with him. I wrote good and bad points about him and the bad out weigh the good.

It's a great way of getting things off your chest without moaning to anyone. That, along with this site has kept me going.

Lyndsey

 

 

Post Edited (Lynds) : 5/27/2006 5:31:17 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 5/29/2006 9:19 PM (GMT -7)
Lyndsey,

I've read your posts, and your experiences sound so much like mine. I am still with my boyfriend, though; we've been together for 2 years and have lived together for almost one. He has gone through ups and downs throughout the relationship, but lately it's been pretty difficult...

I totally know what you mean about the chirpy voice compared to the miserable one, and waiting to find out what kind of day you're going to have depending on his mood. I spent my day crying today - looking at him and seeing his misery and self-loathing that I don't understand because I see him as beautiful and wonderful and deserving of love. I'm sure that leaving your boyfriend was a really difficult but necessary thing to do, and you shouldn't feel guilty about it at all. Good luck finding support or counseling; that's what I'm trying to do for myself because it's too much to handle on my own.

Shannon
Posted 5/30/2006 6:36 AM (GMT -7)

Hi Shannon,

I read your other post too and totally understand how you feel, we don't want to make it about us...but we are now suffering as a result of their behaviour.

After I called it a day with my b'f I half knew I'd check on him around once a week (for my sake as much as his) but he's still been calling once a day. I've been pleasant, no point trying to get answers out of him now. It's just been chit chat about the day really.

Last night I offered to help him out with something and he just refused saying 'whats the point? why are you trying to be friends? is this what you do with all your ex's? It must have been to his surprise when I said 'ok I won't contact you again and we'll both make a fresh start' Then he started ringing my house more than 20 times (i couldn't answer and face another row..I'm actually getting used to no arguements and it feels good), then I got texts saying sorry, and he knows what he's putting me through and really appreciates me being here..all the usual.

Today he called, nice as anything asking would I visit at the weekend. I think he knows he can't handle a relationship right now but is scared I'll look for someone else.

I'm hoping I'm less attached to him now and could visit without getting so emotional...or am I kidding myself, will visiting put me back to square one?

Lyndsey

 

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