It sounds like you have been going through some tough times for awhile now. I know it can be really rough being a teenager. I had a lot of trouble making and keeping friends starting when I was 13. Looking back, I realize that it is part of those years. People are learning how to have mature relationships with others. Unfortunately, a lot of times, they choose the people who only enbody the things that are important to them right at the immediate present. So a lot of times, relationship choices are about what you look like, what you wear, what you do, even what your family is like. Sometimes, these things really are important; but usually they are not as important as these teenagers think they are. They are still learning.
You are allowed to make mistakes; it is part of the learning process. I am just very concerned when I read your post. I think most teenagers struggle with depression some; but then there are those of us who because of our genetic makeup, have serious problems. From what I read in your post, I think you fall into those that have serious problems.
You need to get help now. You don't say whether you have some source of insurance, but most likely, there is some place free you could get help too. You also don't say whether you have talked to your mom about your problems. I know she has problems too; but from my past experience with my parents, I would highly recommend you talk to her. I know it is hard; there are dozens of thoughts in your mind telling you not to for various reasons. However, because your mom is an adult, she may be aware of resources that you are not aware of or eligible for.
The depression you are struggling with sounds like a problem that you will continue to struggle with. Therefore, it is very important for you to get help. You can even get anti-depressant medication prescriptions from regular doctors. I think you would benefit greatly from talking to a therapist or another trained professional about your problems. You can not deal with this alone, and you are not supposed too.
I know what it is like to want to sleep all the time, not feel like eating, and to think about suicide. YOU are an important person, and you are on the earth for a reason. There are so many things that you can be a part of that will change how you feel.
I have been dealing with some degree of depression since I was a small child. It got worse as I got older. In the last several years, I had resigned myself to the fact that I was going to get really depressed at least several times a month. Then, through talking to my therapist, I was referred to a psychiatrist that does ECT.
You must have failed on at least several anti-depressant medications in order to be considered. However, it is always hope at the end of the road. I never thought that I would feel this good. But the ECT has changed my brain chemistry and I am a much happier person. I want to add that modern ECT is very different than that of the 50's and 60's. You are given anesthesia and a muscle relaxant before you receive a treatment. You don't remember the treatment when you wake up.
Please continue to post to let us know what's going on. We care so much about you.
Lots of love,