Posted 5/28/2006 3:45 AM (GMT -6)
And I'm 19. That's over half my life I've been depressed.
It all started with a forced change of schools from the public schools (where I had plenty of friends) to the snobby catholic school in 4th grade. It's the typical bully-target story you see in all the movies, except all those targets had friends. I didn't. Everybody was a bully around me. Beatings and humiliation were all commonplace (one specific incident I was knocked out cold, stripped of all my clothes, and urinated on). My parents were equally useless, joining in the ridicule when I would complain to them about the situation. I resorted to binge eating, which made me gain weight (that I have yet to get rid of, 10 years later), and increased the ridicule. I decided I had enough a few years later and had my first suicide attempt. The neighbors decided to walk in, and I ended up in a hospital. My parents thought it was just an accident despite me saying "let me die" repeatedly.
Fast forward a year, same old crap, only now everybody was getting into the whole boyfriend-girlfriend thing, which was just another thing to ridicule me about. Rather than just being picked on by the guys, I was picked on by both sides, one side for my lack of athletic ability, my weight, my financial status, and everything else they could think of, and the other side for the same reasons, except replace athleticism with physical appeal.
In 8th grade, I began to grow violent. Prior, I would respond to all ridicule with fits of bawling. After being teased endlessly for that, I swallowed my tears and replaced the crying with punches and choking. The ridicule stopped after people saw I was no longer a carpet, but the total solitude began. Nobody talked to me for anything. Nobody asked anything of me, nor did I ask anybody for anything in return. Any attempt at socializing led to nervous rambling on the part of the other person, followed by an excuse to leave asap. Throughout the endeavor, my parents began do act differently. My mother ignored my existence, and my father harshened his ridicule and added pointless labor to the mix (like moving large piles of cinderblocks, only to move them back under punishment of being locked in my room for a weekend with no food). He eventually stopped the labor when I attacked him out of rage and sent him careening down a flight of stairs. He was bedridden for 6 months, but he continues to ridicule me daily, citing my existence as reasons to never use thin condoms.
9th grade came, and I began to grow more calm. My violence became something of my fantasies, no longer something to act upon. I only managed to make one friend that year. Her name was Jill, and she is the most amazing person I've ever met. However, back then she was naive, and her friends convinced her I was going to rape her. After a 4-month long criminal investigation involving police, psycho-analysts, and (illegal?) inhibition-removing drugs, it was concluded I was not a rapist, nor a stalker. My school (who forced the investigation) refused to believe it, and thus subjected me to 3 years of mental torture. Changing my grades to lower my GPA, removing all pictures of me out of yearbooks, sending out newsletters to parents saying to keep their children away from me, the whole nine yards. That was the first time I truly felt completely alone.
9 months later, I came into contact with Jill again. She apologized for believing her former friends and now we're friends again. However, she's always busy and never around, so I can't really talk to her.
Senior year comes and I get my second girlfriend (my first being irrelevent). Her name was Amy, and she cheated on me the day before SAT testing. Naturally I did poorly the next day, but luckily I took the test again and doubled my score. Time goes by, a few people ridiculed me for breaking up with Amy and being cheated on by her, I reacted with my then-usual cocktail of being silent, going home. It was my only escape. However, I forced myself to stop before graduation.
So I went off to my first year of college, and I met a girl named Katie. She and I got very close, very quickly, and she was my third girlfriend. She prevented my social life from being born by taking all my time with incessant crying (which I had to console). 8 months later, I find out she was cheating on me with my only friend, Josh. Rather than cutting, I resorted to binge-drinking. Here I am, a month later back at home from school, and it still hurts just as much. I am truly alone, and it's killing me. I can no longer sleep regularly. I've slept maybe 40 hours in the past month. Everything seems to go wrong, and everything continues to go downhill. It's rather disappointing to see my life turn out this way.
No matter how many times I vent, it never gets better.
I am sorry but I had to edit your post do to forum rules and Guidelines of # 1 & 13. We do have many teenagers and children that post on this site and could become influenced by something that we as adults post. So please do take care with what you say in the future and read up on the forum rules...Thank You Elisha http://www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=46&m=106997
Post Edited By Moderator (els) : 5/28/2006 10:43:36 AM (GMT-6)