To Steven 87
I am very sorry to hear about your troubles. Many of your issues and problems were mine, about 20 years ago. I am a physician who was diagnosed with ADHD this past year, but the diagnosis should have been made when I was your age. If it had, I might have avoided years of suffering and extra struggle.
As I read what you wrote, some thoughts come to mind. The first thought is, that you need to see an intermal medicine physician to rule out certain medical diagnoses that sometimes present as a mood disorder. Although your troubles might not have a medical cause, wouldn't it be nice if something as simple as a slow thyroid, or other endocrine problem were in part to blame. At least these problems are easy to fix.
That having been said, I suspect that at least some part of what is troubling you is depression. The depression can either be primary (that is, the main problem), or secondary (that is, incident to another problem). Regardless of which it is, two people need to see you. The first is a psychiatrist with experience in pharmacology (to pick the right med) and a cognitive behavioral therapist (coping strategies and stress management). Studies show that people who have both medications and therapy do better than either strategy alone. I hope you will consider getting some professional help.
I am unusual in that I don't only treat depression, ADHD, etc... but I have been living with depression for many years and have suffered through ADHD for at least that long. When I was your age, I used to think that I was just fundamentally different from everyone else. Social situations that other people actually ENJOYED, would terrify me. I withdrew from my peers, my family, and I too spent a lot of time alone, wondering if things would ever change.
I feel so badly for you, because as I read your letter, I can see myself and relive the pain that I went through. Do you feel that the world is out to get you? Do you believe that on the whole people are bad?I learned to cope by ignoring the world, and as odd as it sounds sought revenge by excelling in school and study. I would study twice as hard as anyone else, and used to love breaking the curve in a difficult chemistry class. It was PAYBACK!!! As I didn't care much about making friends, it didn't much matter to me that I was not popular. I had my circle of friends and my family. That was enough for me.
That worked pretty well for about 12 years, but gradually I came to realize that there is more to life than work and academic achievement. People really aren't out to get you any more than they were out to get me. Sometimes, you just need someone to open your eyes, and show you that the world (and the people that live in it) is good, and to lend you a helping hand. I took the same advice that I just gave to you and got diagnosed and treated.
I have a beautiful daughter, a great wife and a busy practice. Although I understand Depression and ADHD much better than I did, every year remains a struggle. Chronic Depression is a lifelong problem, just like Diabetes. It can be managed but not really cured (depending on who you ask).
I hope that you can learn from my difficult time, and get the help that you need and deserve. You are NOT alone.