Posted 6/20/2006 6:01 AM (GMT -6)
First of all, I'd like to point out that English is a foreign language to me, so bare with me while I try to express myself as best I could.
The only friend I have in the world is someone I met online, and although I've known them for 2 years or so, they remain a mere online buddy. I've gotten to know this person very well, and I believe in my heart that they are honest and true which is mainly why I remain friends with them after all this time. Usually I run away from everyone before they get too close. But another reason I haven't ran away from this person is because they don't know the real me. I'm Only a pretend friend. They don't know the real me, and who I really am. And I hope they never do, because that would mean the end of our relationship. I haven't really felt guilty about it because it's something I got used to doing eversince I was in Junior High.
When I was little up until I was about 12, or just turned 13, I was always happpy about who I was. I was always told by my loved ones that I'm such a lively, happy child. My family gave me enough love I think. My mom gave me every material thing I ever asked for, but there were lots of times when she put me down, maybe unintentionally but she did. Actually she there were two sides of her. She can be very sweet one min and then yell at you the next minute for no apparent reason. She's said hurtful things while yelling that I took to heart. I love her to death so I don't want to seem like I'm blaming her so I think I'll stop talking about her for now.
If anyone's to blame, it was my biological father, he caused her a lot of grief, and when he got bored he abused the whole family. He molested my two older siblings, and I recall a couple of times when he beat me up, I was 6 so I supposed I was too little to be molested. Whatever the reason was, I was never touched. And I thank Heavens for that, doesn't mean I hate him any less...he still did things to my siblings, and they were part of me. Therefore, in a way, he wronged me too. Anyway, So he was out of our lives. Even after all those retarded things that happened in our family, I stayed a 'happy and lively child'.
Except for occasional beatings from my eldest sibling, I was mostly happy. Ok, so I guess it wasnt all normal but I was happy nontheless.
When I was 11, my family and I moved to this foreign place. And for a few months everything was exciting, and I was deliriously happy...mainly because we were finally among our relatives so It made me feel safe. I was in a good place until I entered Junior High, that's when all the pretending started. I'd meet kids I get along with, compare my life to theirs, felt bad I couldn't measure up and gradually told lies after lies. When I go overboard with the lies, and it became obvious, I just stop being their friends to avoid confrontations. This went on until i was in High School. Then I got so depressed, I couldn't concentrate on my studies, and I had to stop school. I was only 15 years old. I never went back to school after that. The depression then got worst over the years and majority of that time I contemplated on and tried killing myself but for some reason, it seems as though God wants me here on this plain.
A few years ago my sibling had a baby, and dumped the baby on my mom and me. I was there for the baby, for all her mommy needs, changed her diapers, witnessed her 'first' everything, gave her all the love I could, and my mom's been there to support us financially. This PRECIOUS being is 6 year old now..and she's become my world, my entire life. I'd rather die than live without her. But feeling this leads on to feeling this overwhelming guilt. Who the heck am I to care for her? I don't deserve her. Oh but I can't live without her. And she has noone else, as sad as that is, there's noone else who would be there for her apart from myself. From that moment I held her in my arms I've loved her with every fiber of my being. She thought me what love is, and without her, I'd be lost. So I have to keep thinking that she is my entire life.
Argh I go insane when i think about this child's future, not mine. I threw away my life a long time ago. My future is insignificant. I've tried several times to go out there and mingle with people and try to have a life. I've planned on going back to school, getting a job, being someone my family could be proud of. I've planned it, dreamed about those moments in mind so many times, I've lost count. But I never did anything because I'm a lazy bum! I admit it. And because when I am in front of other people my palms get all sweaty, I shake, and I feel faint. I feel like crap. When I go out there and talk to people in stores, pta meetings, etc. I go back to pretending about who I am, which is so stupid because I'm always afraid they'd find out, and that makes me even more tense. but to be looked at as somebody even for a few min feels a helluvalot better than being looked down on. MOST of the time though, I don't pretend, I just get very vague. Physically I used to be very attractive and oozed of confidence, now I think I'm just fat and ugly, shy and stupid! my self esteem have hit the bottom low. I'm worthless. But the main reason I can't contribute to the society is because I did something horrible recently that I cannot take back. I hurted the person closest to me, and I know they will never forgive me. And I don't deserve to be forgiven! I don't have the right to ask for forgiveness either because this mistake was unforgivable. Trust me. And this thing that I caused in this person's life is keeping me from being completely happy.
Not too long ago, for about 2 to 3 years.. straight...everytime I sleep, I'd wake up in the middle of the night, and shake uncontrollably... I guess It can best be described as feelin like you're in somebody elses body?...like you're not supposed to have this life but because you screwed up you're stuck? Oh geez, can't explain it. No I'm not mental, I really felt so scared. I never knew what that was..ok maybe I am crazy. Don't know! I also recall a time when (and I don't know why I'm bringing this up) I got so scared I got off my bed and ran to my mom to hug her and I was really overwhelmed by fear...I was sort of half asleep, half awake so I just hugged her tightly as I shook, and I haven't hugged my mom in years until that moment!...and when I fully awakened I realized what i was doing and felt so freakin stupid. I was a grown woman for christs sake. Even my mother was weirded out. But that's behind me now..I hope. Wouldn't want that to happen again.
Sorry to have written so much.. I could've written more eloquently but that would take time, and I wanted to write this as fast as I could. Hopefully some of you could understand Engrish? Anyway, hurting myself used to be an option but not anymore. Not since I have a child to fend for. I feel so stuck. . I don't know what to do. I'm sooo old and I've never experienced anything in life. Even my 17 year old beautiful cousin have accomplished so much and look at me, I'm 25 and I'm nothing. I'm a 25-year-old pathetic Virgin. Blah. Noone could help me I know. Noone but myself. I feel so sad. No hope for me. But purging this out felt somewhat OK, because For the first time in my life I talked about the real me- a nobody. But I didn't pretend this time.
hi, I have edited one part of your post just to ensure it wasn't graphic in keeping with forum rules and regulation #1. Thank you. Elisha
Post Edited By Moderator (els) : 6/20/2006 6:15:19 PM (GMT-6)