Friend or foe?

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Judi Bee
New Member

Date Joined May 2006
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 6/23/2006 7:03 PM (GMT -6)   
hey every1.
My best friend, whom ive known for years, went to school with, went to the same therapist and previously lived with. Im not sure if she is good to have around anymore.
Its one of those can live with, cant live with out things.
she is soo gd to me, she listens, she cares, and she loves me.  weve done everything togeather, weve been everywere togeather, we have the same wacky sence of humor. and she understands me.  On the other hand, she can be very hurtful somtimes ( she is depressed too) but i know that she says some of these hurtful things to make herself feel better. so i just let it go.
I have low self confidence, so does she.  but the last thing i need is to have the small bit of confidence that i have..knocked!
When i come away from seeing her im always slightly inoyed that shes doin it, but i dont like being away from her.
 what should i do?

Regular Member

Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 188
   Posted 6/23/2006 7:38 PM (GMT -6)   
Judi, I had to seperate myself from my best 2 friends since i have been feeling so down in the past three years and hurting so bad. One of my friends is a negative one all the time and as her daughter calls her "a psycho drama queen" always likes to be in a tizzy. My other friend is such a nervous nell, she talks non-stop mostly about things others do not have any interest in, like how the carpenter she hired has a daughter that is 16 has a baby already. Like I care!!! ALways talking foolishness and never trusting anyone. She drives me nuts as I shopped at the deli with her, she asked the clerk if the ham is good, or is potato salad good? Like they would say no, I'm sorry it's not good...So i stay away from them both, I am just so stressed when I leave them. I don't think I am bad for that , but I have to do what's best for me and my conditions. I miss them both so much so I have to remind myself of why I stay away from them. Do what's best for Judi!!! Take care.

Judi Bee
New Member

Date Joined May 2006
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 6/24/2006 6:16 PM (GMT -6)   
thanks soo much. that really helped. j xx

Regular Member

Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 117
   Posted 6/24/2006 6:31 PM (GMT -6)   
This is a very hard situation to be in, feels like a pending break up right?
Well, there are some things that you need to remember,
i deal with people all the time who have freinds that have addiction problems, such as gambeling.
and this is kind of like that. You need to remember, that alot if not all of that anger is not your friend youve known and loved for years, but is the illness that has affected her. You need to look at the history of your relationship, and decide, is this really the way shes always been, with one exscuse after another, or is this acctuley something that started when the depression started. Then if youdecide that its the depression that started it, then you need to be very careful about how yougo about handeling it. I do agree with cajun that whole do whats best for you attitude, but you also owe it to your friendship, to make sure your not to hard or drastic on your firend.
So i would just try to spend more time doing other things, like reading, or try starting a new hobbie, so when she calls round,you can say your busy with something. Because that way, you wont be lieing, and you will still have that friendship around for when you both get better.

But please, please, dont forget about your friend, you 2 have been together foralong time, dont let her slip through the cracks, because once that happens, its all over. And altho it seems like it sometimes, depression wont last forever, but your friendship could.

good luck to you and i hope it all works out for you.

Regular Member

Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 366
   Posted 6/24/2006 6:58 PM (GMT -6)   
I always think that honesty is the best policy and when she says something hurtful, maybe you could reply in a gentle way.."right now, I am not feeling my best, and when you say something like that to me, it really hurts my feelings and makes me feel bad about myself". That way, you would not be blaming her or pointing the finger at her..or even hurting her feelings and making her become defensive.. basically you are just stating in a nice and postive way, your feelings about her comments. Your feelings are important and so are the boundaries of your relationship with your friend, and she is crossing the boundaries by hurtful comments, whether intentional or not. Even when one is depressed, it does not excuse them from being hurtful. Everyone has a right to be treated with respect and dignity and that is your right. If she chooses to continue with saying hurtful things to you..I would seriously consider, if this is a friend you want to continue your relathionship with. Then I would consider, what it might be about you (and perhaps unresolved issues from your childhood) things that attract you to her and her negative treatment. For example, In my early childhood, I was very neglected by my mother, and mostly ignored and left alone for long periods..In my adult years...I tend to attract people who treat me the way my Mother did..whether it is girlfriends or relationships with men. I think it may be a deap seated desire to change them..even though...what I am really trying to do is change the way my Mother treated me (even though she is deceased now).

Regular Member

Date Joined Jul 2004
Total Posts : 41
   Posted 6/25/2006 1:28 AM (GMT -6)   
This is odd: the first thing that went thru my head, i didn't see anyone mention (or i missed it); which is this: you listed like half a dozen good things and one bad thing.
I once had an extremely close friend. I have a sensitive nature; my friend, not so much. And sometimes i'd feel hurt by something that was said; but it didn't come a heart that was hostile or an intent to do harm (i can recognize that real easy). Didn't make it hurt less.

One of the most basic facts of psychology, is that everything has a cost. Big or small, in one form or another there's a price for everything.
Throw everything else out the window, don't make a list, just ask yourself one thing: am i willing to pay this, for that person's friendship?

T always spoke the truth, never once ragged on me or complained about my depression, and more. So i thought about it, and for me the answer was yes.
Some flowers have thorns, what're you going to do. Your situation may be different; i don't your friend, i don't know her heart.
Your decision may be different, but when you can narrow the question down to that, the decisions to come a bit easier.


Veteran Member

Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 6/26/2006 6:51 AM (GMT -6)   
Judi,  I agree with Rianna in that you need to communicate with your friend straight off the bat when she starts to do this behavior.  If it is hurtful to you then you need to correct it and not ignore it.  All it will do if you ignore it is cause resentment and eventually anger toward her and I am sure you don't want that.  You say that she is depressed too and says these things to you to make herself feel better?  Perhaps these are comments she doesn't realize are hurtful to you? (hopefully, I don't know), but I would find it hard to stay friends with someone who intentionally says mean things to me to make themselves feel better.  You need to find the resolve within yourself to tell her the next time she makes a untoward comment, that she is being hurtful and how it makes you feel.  Maybe you can have a conversation with her regarding it so she does know not to say these things to you.  There are boundaries in every relationship, and it is obvious that she has crossed hers. 


Judi Bee
New Member

Date Joined May 2006
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 6/26/2006 7:41 PM (GMT -6)   
thanks to very one, all your different views have been very enlightening. J xx
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