Hi everyone, I'm new here I found this forum while searching for "depression" on Yahoo. I hope I wont bore you all too much.
Well, not sure where to start. I've been in Florida for the past 2 months or so. I dont live here, I just came for several weeks because this is where my friend and her family lives. This is my 3rd time here. It's a beautiful place, the beach, million of places to shop and have a good time. Sounds like paradise right ? Only problem is, I cant enjoy any of it.
I've never been to a real doctor (yet), but I'm pretty certain I have something called Avoidant Personality Disorder.If you dont know what that is, that basically means I'm scared to death of being humiliated/picked on, so I'd rather not be part of the world at all. Which is how I live when I'm home. I live at my father's. I dont go out. Ever. The only times I go out of the house is to go to the airport to come here, or if there's an emergency.
I cant even open the door to the mail guy. I'm just scared that he'll SEE me and laugh or make a joke or something like that, and that I wont get over it.
Now that seems like hell, but it really isnt that bad once you get used to it (and I've had time to do that in the past 5 years). I work on the internet, so I can make a little bit of money and this is how I can afford to come here.
I'm obese.Morbidly obese I think is how they call it. I dont know if me being obese is the result of my depression or the cause. It's kinda hard for me to figure out which started first because it's been so long.I'm not one of these people who love food and just cant get enough of it.I hate it.I eat when I feel down or when something bad happens, because it makes me feel numb. And stops me from thinking. I hate everything elaborate. The less taste it has, the more I like it. Last month I lost 12lbs in less than 10 days because everything was going fine, I was having a good time and therefore didnt need to eat. Took it all back already.
Sometimes I just feel so guilty for taking space in this world, when it's obvious I have nothing to offer to anyone. When I'm here and visit my friend and her family, I always bring something over. Because I feel like, at least they'll be getting something out of it.For putting up with such a useless worthless piece of trash. I'm always scared to ask if I can come over, though I've been told repeatedly I dont need to ask, just come and hang out. But I just cant do that. So I stay inside my motel room, sometimes for a whole week at a time. Meanwhile I dont know if my friend thinks I'm just cold and distant, or what ? I get very sad when I find out she's been doing things without including me (like going to a park or to the beach). And I dont understand why because I know very well that if she had asked me, I would have said no. Her husband is a joker and sometimes say the most hurtful things,but he doesnt realize how much it hurts me because I dont show anything.
I know I'm making my friend look bad, but she isnt. She has a lot of stress in her life too and I dont want to bother her.She doesnt know how I feel about all of this, and I dont think I can ever tell her, especially not face to face.
Well I'm sorry my post is so long and boring. I just dont know what to do anymore. I have thought of killing myself every day for the past 5 years or so.There are several reasons why I have not done it, one being that although I feel hopeless most of the time there's still that little tiny chance that I can "fix" myself and finally enjoy life a bit. And another reason .. which is so stupid, really.. is that I dont want anyone to see my body,even if it's a coroner. How pathetic is that ??
Post Edited (Lolz) : 6/28/2006 8:10:32 AM (GMT-6)