Posted 7/3/2006 9:10 AM (GMT -7)
You are NOT stupid.  You are a strong woman who is dealing with a very serious disorder.  BPD distorts your perception of things and can cause those who suffer with it to become paranoid, delusional and depressed.  It is next to impossible to control this disorder without the help of medication.  Please do not take someone else's meds especially Zyprexa, that can be a very dangerous drug for some people and could potentially cause your illness to exacerbate.  I am sure this is not want you want or your intention.  I would strongly recommend that you do get back to the doctor and work on a medication regime of your own.  You have to communicate with your doc when you feel the meds aren't working or helping, don't just stop taking them.  I get the whole watching yourself like its a film or your outside yourself.  I had a client with BPD who was had a traumatic past, and stopped her meds.  She ended up having to go into a residential program to get them straight.  She was very paranoid thinking people where talking about her all the time and scared of taking the meds.  It took two years for the doctors to get her meds just right and for her to level out.  She ended up getting an apartment again and resumed a normal life.  My point is that it takes time, you just have to hang in there... Elisha  
Posted 7/9/2006 11:24 PM (GMT -7)
Thanks elisha. it feels very good to find out that there is someone who understands me which i never thought i would find before.

I still not go to see my doc. When I decided to go to doc the next day, I would always cancelled it as I thought I should try to cope by myself first and see doctor some other time. I've been drinking a lot lately. Just, it's great to feel 'hi' and become so carefree. I skipped my class for today. And I dont think Im going for tomorrow either. I am being too sensitive with what my fiance say or do. He always say I over react to everything. I staying alone at home. sometimes i want to go out but i dont have anyone to go out with. I dont have friends. i used to have great friends but seems like i dont know how to be a friend anymore so the friendship keep on fading away. I dont want to go out alone coz i am very conscious about what other people might think or view or say about me. I always get nervous or panic when go out alone. Im going farther down lately. being alone i always end up sitting on the corner on my room and cry. being alone i am at my darkest hours. being alone nobody see what i do and i am free to do what i want and i always do things i shouldn't do. They're getting severe.

I'm sorry i talked a lot. I just need to vent.
:: Chronic Major Depression :: BPD ::

Posted 7/10/2006 8:36 AM (GMT -7)
Dear mysts, though I don’t have BPD and cant physically relate to what your going through, I have had several people that I cared for in my profession that had it and I can understand greatly what you have to suffer with on a daily basis.  I ran two psychiatric residential facilities that had people with severe mental disorders ranging from schizophrenia, bipolar, disassociative disorders, you name we had it.  So, I work very closely on a daily basis one on one trying to help these people relearn daily living skills so they could hopefully function one day on their own.  Some wont as they are way too ill, but others who are med compliant and work with the staff and physicians as they should, would eventually make it.  It can be very rewarding work but then it is also very sad and mentally straining at the same time. I'm not too sure why you are of the mind to cope with this without the help of your physician.  Your posts don’t seem to show that your coping too well at all on your own, especially if your isolating yourself and drinking.  Self-medicating with alcohol is never a good choice especially with the disorder that you have as it will increase your symptoms.  I hope your not drinking on top of your medications, as that can be extremely dangerous.  I understand your desire to try and deal with this on your own and overcome it that way but this is a very serious disorder that can quickly become out of your control.  I strongly suggest you see your doctor and seek their advice and guidance for a treatment plan.  You know we are always here for whatever you need, no matter if it is venting or just to pop in and say hi.  Take care Elisha  

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