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New Member

Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 7/8/2006 1:54 AM (GMT -7)   
I am turning 32 next month, am married and do not have any children. I
have suffered from Major Depression since I was 10 years old, sparked by
a move from Ohio to New York. I was diagnosed with Major Depression at
age 13 and regularly attended therapy from age 10-25. During this time,
which you can see is many years, I got through my elementary, junior and
high schooling. I grew up in an affluent community and attended
Catholic mass every Sunday. At age 17 I graduated high school despite
frequent absences and cutting of classes. I even missed the entire month
of February. I was not "out on the town", I was in bed sleeping or
I was a very attractive girl, so I was lucky to have boyfriends, this
was the only thing that kept me going. Until a breakup of course, then
I found myself deeper in depression. I can look back as an adult now and
see how having these boyfriends may really have been more damaging than
good for me/my self worth.I had my first relationship at 13, was adamant
about remaining a virgin until I was older or married, and subsequently
was put in a lot of positions and did things sexually that I was too
young to handle. I was never without a boyfriend and attached myself to
them hard. I got hurt every time, but needed to be loved so badly I
continued to start a new relationship.
Because I was thin and pretty but not smart, had no talents or hobbies,
I put all my personal worth into how I looked. At 125 lbs. I still did
not wear a bikini, because I thought I was fat. I was not anorexic, but
had a problem with food which at times brought me down to 115 lbs. and I
would be very "happy" about that one thing. But beauty fades.I have
gained 50 lbs in 3 years, I am now 198 lbs. and despise the way I look.
I feel that now I have nothing to offer. Strangers even look at me
differently, if they even see me at all, which used to never happen. I
rarely leave the house and am no longer in contact with friends who knew
me when I was thin. I do not want anyone to see me like this.
I do not "get depressed". I am depressed, it is IN me always. I have
been struggling my whole life. Getting out of bed every day except my
wedding day has been a struggle. However, any time I felt like killing
myself was only a fleeting thought. When I my husband and I married, I
finally felt safe and loved. Now that we have been married for over 3
years, I no longer feel loved in the same way, he is distracted by
things that make him happy and I don't have any things like that. I
want him to be with me all the time, but in order to stay happy he needs
to play video games and go to bed when he's tired. I used to work full
time, my depression has gotten worse in the past 6-8 months, I was
promoted at work and disliked the new position so much that I quit and
left the same day. That was 5 weeks ago.
My husband and I just purchased a large home that needs little repair,
but because I am out of work, I have been doing the small repairs
myself. Things are not turning out good and I have hope when I do the
project that it will make me feel happy for a little while and make me
feel more secure in our home. When the project goes poorly, I get more
depressed, sad over the money lost in materials and I feel ashamed that
I did a poor job. I know my natural death is most likely very far off,
but I sit at home basically waiting to die. I can't sleep at night, I
take sleeping pills, but they don't work. I finally fall asleep in the
early morning and sleep for a bout 5 hours. I am constantly tired, sad
and angry.
We have half the income we had, but I KNOW I am too sick to go back to
work. I don't know how my husband is going to pay all of our bills. We
have no credit card debt, but in order to pay the mortgage and other
bills we depleted our savings account. We will now be living check to
check, which is frightening to me. I know we will begin to accrue
credit card dept just to buy the things we need to live. I feel guilty
spending $10 on a skincare item I need.
My father was a verbally abusive alcoholic, who stopped drinking without
treatment/assistance 10 years ago. My parents stayed married and he
died 3 years ago at 52 years old of a rare form of cancer. What it did
to his body scared me so much that I feel like it was a horror movie.
My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer a year ago and is now a
survivor. Last year, I lost the cat that I rescued when I was 19, she
died a horrible unexpected death and I am still not over it. She was
like a daughter to me. We have 2 cats now, they need me to stay alive
and I know my husband still loves me, he is a good man. I do not have a
bad life, I don't know why I can never be happy and why dying seems like
the only release from my suffering. Please help me. I think about it
all the time.
You are good to have read this entire thing. Please reply. I need you.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 7/8/2006 4:00 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Jennifer, Welcome to healing well forum, we are happy to have you.  Can I assume that since you have no job right now that you also are uninsured at the moment?  Or perhaps you are on your husband’s policy?  I strongly suggest you get to the doctor and see about an antidepressant.  If you’re already taking one, which you didn’t mention, then it isn’t working and you need something else.  Counseling can help a lot if you have been through a traumatic experience in your life but studies show that for Major Depression it really isn’t that effective, except for teaching coping skills.  Try finding a good Psychiatrist who you can see on a regular basis who can assess you for medication (if you want to go that route) and help.

I also have had Major Depression for most of my life; I am 32 soon to be 33.  I have had a problem with body image also and dealt with eating disorders.  So I do understand how hard it is live everyday to look at yourself in the mirror and just being in your own skin.

It sounds to me as if you have a wonderful support system in your husband...but do keep in mind that most men are clueless as to things that don’t directly affect them.  So you may have to sit him down and communicate your feelings to him very clearly before he really gets it or understands what your needs are. 

I am going to post some links for you just in case you do start to feel that things get to overwhelm for you and you have those suicidal thoughts.  You can add them to your favorites on your computer or whatever and I hope you do use them if you feel you need to.  HW is a wonderful place to come for support and information so I hope you continue to post here.... we are always here.  Take care



New Member

Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 7/8/2006 4:04 AM (GMT -7)   
Jennifer, I noticed your post was very early in the morning, just remember that things are always scarier in the dark. I know you feel tired, but please hang in there rest will come to you. I too quit a very powerful job, and have put myself into finacial dispare, however I would rather go without now to take the much needed break so I can look forward to when I can go back to work at 100 percent. Please do not be so hard on yourself with the house project, thats what makes a house yours and unique is that you see all the imperfections that everyone else calls character. God bless and you are in my prayers

New Member

Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 7/8/2006 4:16 AM (GMT -7)   
Dear Elisha,
Thank you for responding to me and for telling me about yourself also. I am fortunate to be on my husband's insurance policy and am currently taking Wellbutrin. I stopped taking Cymbalta about 3 months ago b/c I was feeling NOTHING. I am aware now that feeling nothing is better than feeling like I want to die. I am going to call some therapists in my area today, it is morning, a new day. I am still crying, but I'm a grown woman and I need to call and get help! I will be back to talk to you again this weekend. I am so grateful for your online friendship.
Smiles for you,

New Member

Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 7/8/2006 4:18 AM (GMT -7)   
Dear Boxermom,
You are absolutley right, I feel a little better now that it's morning. I hope to sleep sometime today. You said cute things about the house and I appreciate your taking the time to read and reply. I hope to see you again.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 7/8/2006 4:22 AM (GMT -7)   

I am so glad to hear that Jennifer.  You really may just need a differant medication all together.  I was on Zololft for a while and it quit working for me, I felt pretty much like you describe.  Crying all the time, wanting to die, having thoughts of hurting myself with no real plan to do so.  Changing meds is hard but you can feel better and you dont have to live feeling like me, it does get better and can get better.  You just have to help yourself to get there.

I am always here if you want to talk, you can even e-mail me if you like.  Smiles and hugs to you.  Have a wonderful day... :-)



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