I usually post on the Anxiety Board, but I've always had Depression. My psychiatrist diagnosed me with dysthymia (chronic low-level depression) about a year ago. Last Fall I underwent some serious anxiety when the woman I worked for was completely ignorant and when I developed a severe panic attack, she fired me a month later. (there's more to that story, but it's long, and it's over now.)
Even though I recovered from my panic/attack, I decided that I didn't want to work in my industry anymore and made some inroads at figuring out what I wanted to do. Unfortunately, it required me to continue to work in my area of expertise, which I'm becoming more and more convinced is populated by childish narcissitic sycophants trying to exert their authority over others. And this is where I am now.
I guess I should mention that I see a therapist once a week, a psychiatrist once a month and am on 30mgs of Lexapro daily. While I can't say that I feel markedly better, I suppose it could always be worse. Unfortunately, I do have a work situation that is driving me to distraction and I'm just miserable about it.
I've been doing freelance 4 days a week for a friend of mine (and old colleague) for about 6 months.It's becoming rapidly apparent that my friend (and now temporary boss) has an enormous power trip. I get reprimanded for offering help ('this is NOT a three person job), For texting his cell phone when I was going to miss a 9am meeting ('texting is not a professional or appropriate way to communicate') or my questions go ignored, because they're simply not important enough for him to deal with. His little temper tantrums are beginning to affect my sanity, and while I'm not having panic attacks,I'm beginning to seriously dislike my days.
I've been looking for the past several months to find a job outside my industry, but nothing has come of it. And I am wondering whether or not my self-esteem can take the severe punishment it's been getting for the past year.
I spoke with my therapist today and she seemed to suggest that I was feeling a bit more depressed than usual, which of course made me feel more depressed. And now I can't help but feel that I need to leave this environment before it ruins me. BUT, I need the money, and would feel like a complete disappointment if I just chucked it all.
I'm absolutely conflicted and feel quite helpless, and there's no rescue here. While I'm not in the black hole, I feel like I'm in a blue pit.
Such as it is.