I'm not really sure where to start or even if I'll get all I want to say to you across. Looking in the papers everyday I don't think is that bad a thing. If I didn't know where my "Him" was every minute of my life I may have done the same thing. What bothers me most is what you said about
having a plan to go to his funeral. REALLY BAD IDEA in my opinion. I can totally understand your need for closure. I just want to warn you as strongly as I can
that this has a very good shot of blowing up in your face.
I had not only the chance to go to the funeral, but I actually watched him die. No, I didn't do it. He was a very close family member and we were all called to the hospital that day. On my way home that night, after hours at the hospital with grieving family, I stopped for a drink. I was just about
to get out of the car when it hit me that he was really gone. I sat in my car crying for like two hours. Even though my abuse went on for many, many years, when I was older I never confronted him about
it. I was too crushed. I decided to tell him what I thought at the funeral. I started the day by throwing up in the parking lot of the church. I was a wreak. I just sat there bawling like a baby during the service. When people started taking turns saying how great a man he was I totally lost it and started laughing hystericly. I was removed from the church and asked to not come back. Something inside me just snapped when he died. I thought I would feel better. I thought it would be closure. Niether happened. Now, two years later, I still have this gapping wound from my abuse. It's like it happened yesterday. And my father still won't speak to me because of the funeral. I was at a good place in my life when 'he'died. Now my life has turned to crap. My D and possibly BP have totally gotten away from me and I'm not sure I can get it back under control. I don't know what else to say. PLEASE. PLEASE think long and hard about
your plans to attend the funeral when it happens. Talk to a theripist talk to anyone. There has to be another way to get closure. If I find it in the mean time I'll let you know what it is. Please take care of yourself.