Hi, my name's Rosie. I'm 31 and live in the U.K. I've been in and out of depression for most of my life, but that's not really why I've turned here now.
In March, my partner went away for 10 days, came back, and announced that we were best friends but nothing more. That was devastating in itself, and not at all how I felt/feel. After he'd moved out, however, I got a text message saying he's been crying and cutting himself, that he couldn't believe he was ruining the most important thing in his life. I phoned and spent about the next 3 hours talking to him, trying to calm him down, till finally he was able to sleep. It became clear from that and over the following days that something was really very wrong. He's been seeing a psychiatrist, and she's narrowed down the diagnosis to some form of bipolar or manic depression.
Since then he's blown very hot and cold. Some days he would *have* to see me, and when we were together we talked out so much to do with the problems that crept in to our relationship over the final few months (mostly outside stress finding a place to kick about); at times it really felt like we were together again (and he kept testing boundaries on the sexual side, which isn't just friendship in my book, and was pretty confusing). At other times he'd be out of contact, telling me that it wasn't fair on me and that he needed to sort himself out before he could do anything about us (if anything was to be done). His psych seems to be angry at him when he does the former, and is actively encouraging the latter (my ex kept reporting back to me on the sessions). However, his psych seems only really to be talking to him about sex, and seems intent on finding that our relationship was an issue, even though I know we were good together -- and so so happy before the depression started coming on -- and that there are things that go way back and very deep that would come out when my ex got drunk.
10 days ago I was speaking to my ex on the phone, and he was again going down the line of how this wasn't fair on me and how he needed me to be looking after myself and getting on with my life, but that he didn't know whether or not to stop all contact, or, if he did, for how long. In the end, I felt I had to take the initiative, and I suggested that we don't have contact for a month and contact each other at the end of that month to see where things stand. I hated suggesting it. Anyway, that's what's now happening, and why I'm here. For all the pain of the to-ing and fro-ing, before I did at least have him in my life. Now I don't. I don't know what he'll do at the end of a month, and I'm filled with dread -- and denial, because I know this could be it.
I feel angry at his psych for telling him off when he'd seen me or spoken to me, because that's cutting him off further, and her attitude also seems to assume that he made his decision about ending our relationship in a rational mindset, which I honestly believe he didn't.
I feel hurt and afraid. I miss him so much, and these past 10 days have felt empty, lonely and endless. I wish I knew the outcome: I know that's silly, but I keep thinking how I know I'd be fine and could take all of this if I just knew that we'd be together again at the end of it. But I don't, and can't.
I'm sorry this is so long; thanks for reading. If anyone has any advice or insight, I'd be so grateful to hear it.