Posted 7/27/2006 12:32 AM (GMT -6)
i am relatively new to the whole depression phase. i came across this site tonight and after reading a bunch of posts i feel like i have discovered something amazing for my fight to rid depression. to be able to share my experiences with people who are also having a tough time right now. i wanna get to understand everyone else better and i will try to give you guys and gals some understanding about me.
im 19 years old. i live in a suburb outside of philly. my mom and step dad have been married for 16 years. in january of this year i told my mom that i was moving into a row home with 3 friends of mine. when i told my mom this she broke down and said she was leaving too. she had said that her and my step dads marriage just wasnt working and i was well aware of this. for as long as i can remember she was sleeping on the couch while he was sleeping in the bed. when i was younger he had problems with alcohol and i can remember a couple times where he would get into seriosu fights with her. one time putting a gun to her head. my real father i have barely any recollection of other then he too was very abusive towards my mother.
my mother isnt a saint herself however. she for years has caused turmoil within the family, running up credit cards and putting our family thousands upon thousands of dollars in debt. shes also cheated on my step dad on multilple occasions and currently has a boyfriend right now while her and my step dad are going thru the divorce process.
every since they decided they were going to get a divorce my step dad has gone back to alcohol after being sober for a while. hes done drugs such as coke and the other night he was out and it was 4:30 in the morning so i called him to see if he was okay..he had no clue what he was doing and later told his sister that he had smoke angel dust.
in late may i recall waking up from a weird bad dream. i know for the rest of the day i had thoughts of death and suicide. and out of nowhere i started to dread the future. i read that these are effects of depresison. i started to think of things like breaking up with my girlfriend and i know i dont want to because im so happy with her. i tell her everything thats going on and she tries to understand me as best as she can. now suicide and death are constant thoughts in my head but i know i would never do nething to hurt myself, they are just thoughts and nothing else.
i went to the doctor and at first he thought i had anxiety and he told me to take Buspar which is a anti anxiety drug with no side effects, sure enough i didnt need it because it wasnt the right thing for me. i went to him a couple days ago and he said that these recurring thoughts were a symptom of OCD - obessesive compulsive disorder.
ive been with my for girlfriend of seven months, my friends have always looked at me as being the guy who gets tired of girls easily but this one is a definite keeper. i dont want depression ruining that for me and im deteremined to not let it win.
im still every uneducated on depression, why for some reason i woke up feeling the way i did when it never seemed as thought anything had ever bothered me quite like this, but here it is, its entered my life and i know i go to bed every night saying to myself that i wont let it win. when i have a thought of death, i say to myself, why, why on earth would i wanna do that or a htought of breaking up with my girlfriend i again say why, ive never been happier and although right now, at this moment depression is depriving me of feeling that happiness, i know when the dust settles, everything is gonna alright. it wont win, and ill make sure of that.