frustrated,angry ,losing hope

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Regular Member

Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 200
   Posted 7/27/2006 10:01 PM (GMT -6)   
I have been away from here for awhile but need a place to vent...I am a husband of a depressed wife ,and am not sure how to do this anymore!!I have been here over the years for her ,but I am almost at the end of my rope ,
She has been having a major bout latley ,went to a pschiatrist ...didnt go to the follow up appointment so now she losses that ,went to her pschoogist and came out and said she want going back ,changed drugs cold turkey and tried to kill herself (she is back on her normal meds now)Everything is my fault I cannot do anything right ,I try my hardest but thats not enough...I cook clean do the laundry she does nothing ..Which is fine but dont get on my case .I get the i am fat speech from her (she isnt) but she does nothing about it ,cold shoulder doesnt exist here anymore I thing it is perma freeze .
I just dont know what more to do I a very frustrated ,I want my old happy wife back and dont know how to get her!!!I am sorry I neede to vent here as if i vented at her I think it would end up with me leaving .thanks for listening

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1986
   Posted 7/27/2006 10:23 PM (GMT -6)   
I am so sorry that you are going thru this...when a person id in major depression, the family usually "shares the ride". Have you gotten any counseling of your own to help YOU cope? I remember when I was in major was awful...dreary and dark...and I felt like I was alone in a huge black ocean, trying to keep my head above water, trying so desperately not to "drown". My dad he just sort of withdrew into all his normal stuff, like reading the paper and watching football, but I saw the worry in his eyes and the concern in his voice. Mama, she was pretty much an open book. She would look at me and say, "Can' you just smile for your MOM?!" I would paste on the fakest smile imaginable and then she'd get mad. I knew that she wasn't really mad at ME, it was the illness. She was desperate to help me be back to normal but helpless to do so. I'd see her cry for me...sometimes she'd withdraw emotionally. Sometimes she'd put on her "tough" mask, like it didn't matter to her either way...but I KNEW. I hated it so bad that they were suffering right along with me, but no matter how much I wanted to make them feel better by getting well, I couldn't. I WANTED to be better for ME and for THEM! It tore my heart apart truly. It may be that your wife feels sort of like I did. But I know this much for sure, you've got to make some time for yourself. Keep on remembering that she doesn't WANT to be this way either. And really, if it was me, I'd tell her something like this: "Honey, I love you with all my heart. I really do. I want you to get better. I hate to know you're going thru this, but you have to keep on trying, as hard as it is, to get better. I know you want to get better too, but you have to listen to your doctors. I'm here for you, but you have to make an effort also....."
James, I don't know if this is appropriate or not as I am not a professional. Maybe you have had this type of talk with her already. But regardless of everything else, you do need to have someone to talk to that can help you cope better as a caregiver. Caregivers get "burn-out". It doesn't mean you don't love your wife, it just means you're human! You need a break from time to time.
I also remember that when I was in the deepest throes of depression that even though I didn't want to do anything or feel like doing anything, I still had to do things. Mom is the sort of personality that she can be a drill sargeant when she wants to be. I know of one lady with bipolar and other mental health issues. She once told me about how she had been in mental facilities before and they made the patients go for walks. They wouldn't let them just curl up in a ball and cover up. I don't know what your wife's doc says or thinks. ...
Take care and know that we all care here, for you and your wife! It is commendable that you've stuck with her. That's what real love is all about!
Bless the beasts and the children...

Regular Member

Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 22
   Posted 7/27/2006 10:34 PM (GMT -6)   
James, you could totally be my husband. I sense that he's pretty fed-up with my depression and the issue of meds. So from a woman's (wife and mother) perspective, just let me say that it isn't easy. I went through a severe bout where I couldn't even get out of bed, didn't shower, brush my hair or teeth, no cooking or cleaning (or only very sporadic), and Lord help me if I had to leave the house - just kinda sat and stared at the walls. It could be a sense of guilt that is causing her to push you away. (I didn't feel like I deserved to be loved by my husband.) Her meds may make her emotionally "flat", and can certainly affect libido. I'm sure you are feeling overwhelmed. Can you try seeing her therapist with her? One of the reasons I am as well today as I am is that I received unconditional love and support (from my mom and from a dear friend). They told me again and again "You matter", "you're worth something" "I will love you if you are sick or well, but I want you to be well." Since you quote the Serenity Prayer, I encourage you to spend some time on your knees. Good luck

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1529
   Posted 7/28/2006 1:01 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi James,

I'm trying to sort myself out in the face of my depressed ex's sabotage of our relationship (and I really don't mean that nastily, but that's what's happened die to his depression). I'm normally not a one for self-help books, but in my darkest moments I did order a book called "Depression Fallout" (author: Anne Sheffield) off Amazon. It does contain some of the cheese that I balk from with such books, but I'm also really glad I've read it -- put a lot into a more understandable framework, and I now "get" more of my ex's behaviour. It's for partners of depressed people, and I'd really recommend it to you -- a pretty balanced book in terms of reference to "the science bit", psychiatrists views and, importantly, real-life experiences. May not be your bag at all, but as I say, I was skeptical but found it really helpful and feel much calmer now.

My thoughts are with you -- very tough, I know.

Rosie x

Veteran Member

Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 7/28/2006 4:34 AM (GMT -6)   

Hi ya James, Its good to see you post again but not under these circumstances.  I’m sorry for what you’re going through.  If I remember correctly doesn’t your wife have BP?  Please correct me if I am wrong...Anyway, I could only wish that my now ex-husband was as understanding and supportive of my depression and moods as you are.  Perhaps we wouldn’t be divorced now...I don’t know.  But, you have hung in there a long time like this James, and really there is only so much one person who is carrying all the load by themselves can take.  So basically with all the meds and doctors she isn’t getting any better?  or trying to follow her treatment plan.

Depression or bipolar disorder is not much different than having any other physical illness or disease.  You have to follow the doctor’s recommendations and treatment plans or else the patient will continue to get worse.  I can defiantly see where it would be frustrating to have a relationship with someone, no matter how much you love that person, when you see them suffering everyday and them not progressing and doing nothing to help themselves.

You know you can always vent away here....we love hearing from you and are always here for you.  Take care


Veteran Member

Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 1629
   Posted 7/28/2006 10:36 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi James,

Im sorry to hear about what you are going through with your wife, it sounds like a tough time for you both. From her side of things, she probably doesnt realsie what this is doing to you. When people are very depressed, its hard to see things around you because they can pretty much feel stuck in a deep dark hole.
I do think depression is hard for the person who is suffering and the other person helping them through it. My boyfriend used to get so upset and angry that he couldn't do anything to change things or make it better. I got better with his support and I will love him for that forever - he is my rock and I couldn't have got through that awful time without him. I still struggle now but my depression is much better with the help of meds and psychology.
Els made a really good point - is your wife trying to help herself? Is she sticking to her treatment plan?
Have you thought about any counselling yourself to help you cope with all of this? Its is alot for you to cope with I know. You are always welcome to talk to us here, we are always her to listen.
I wish I could offer you more advice James I really do.
Take care and hope to hear again from you soon

cherish all your happy moments....they make a fine cushion for old age
Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 624
   Posted 7/29/2006 7:12 AM (GMT -6)   

Hi James, you definately need time for yourself hun. Do you get any help as her carer?

Depression is horrid for the sufferer but for the carer too.

Could you sit down with your wife and tell her how you are feeling too?

Does your wife use this forum too because maybe she would find it helpful?


Take care
I DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Regular Member

Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 200
   Posted 7/30/2006 9:15 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you all!!and els we dont know what she has exactly as she was supposed to go to a pschiatrist but failed to do the follow up appointment ..she did see him and he put her back on effexor ( note to all on effexor GO OFF IT SLOW)if you do go off it .Effexor has been the only thing that works for her .
On another note she told me she started to cut herself the other nite ..she hasnt done that in over 14 years and I asked her why she did it ...she said she regretted doing it afterwords because the pain she was trying to suppres at that time is now replaced with the pain in where she cut so she is upset at herself for cutting ...hopefully she wont do it again .
The last couple of days have been good for her (she Is on a good high spot for now)hope it stays there ...
chuckle ..this is where i come for my "therapy"a good vent is all I need once in awhile
atedogs ..thanks for the well wishes ,and if anything I write helps others I am happy aftre all we all come here for help eh!!
counter clockwise ..yes I have read many books to tyr to understand
victoria,your story is full of advice thanks
alittleunwell..I tell her the same alll the time does our daughter
janet...our doc is a quak but she is all we can get as there just are no docs around here
again thanks to all i really do appreciate all input

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

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