I am mostly a lurker posting here and there occasionally. I have been suffering from patterns of on agian off agian depression sence my teen years... and havn't have a "meltdown" as I like to call it (the times when I am in so much pain I don't want to wake up, Cry hysterically 2-3 times a day, can't find happiness in anything, cut myself, rage exc you all know how it goes) for over a year and have been pretty much content(note not "happy" but not miserable either).
Recently I have been reading self help books about childhood abuse/emotional/alchaholic/dysfunctional parents and I have found myself having anxiety & panic attacks ever sence reading these books. I don't know why. Its almost like i am taking a step twards getting healthy... but subcounsiousley I almost prefer the pain of being unhealthy because it is firmilular, to the unknown of being a normal functioning person in society. I don't think my depression is chemical related hence medications won't help me...my depression/rage/anxiety is related to childhood abuse & growing up in a toxic, scary, and unsafe environment(in which I still live at the age of 21, although it is now becoming more so as my mom is finailly divorcing my "father" and it is causing termoil, I stay to help her emotionally & with bills as after he leaves she will go broke with out extra money/help and loose the house) .
I was just wondering if anyone has had a negative reaction to "healing" and how to deal with the panic attacks & constant anxiety that comes with the unknown. I find myself waking up in a painic at 1 or 2 am and thinking I am trapped in my depression, I will never escape, I will never make anything of my self, my life will be horrible for ever, exc all these thoughts racing in my mind in an instant and I panic and have to get up and take a sleeping aid to get calmed down. These anxiety attacks are becoming more & more frequent & more & more intense and I don't know what to do.
I am poor, indept nearly 3,000 already, and don't have medical insurence. I despratly need therapy/counseling but have no way to pay for it. Free therapy groups such as alanon for children of alchaholics requires you to "submit to a higher power"(ie god) to join the program and I do not believe in any diety so because I will not submit to a diety their steps are not valid for me.
Mlblsss - I edited one part of your post due to being alittle to graphic...sorry! Thank you ~ Elisha
Post Edited By Moderator (els) : 7/28/2006 3:46:18 AM (GMT-6)