Still devastated

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New Member

Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 7/28/2006 12:41 AM (GMT -6)   
I am forty years old, with a long history of depression.  Earlier this year I met a man who I clicked with immediately and we fell in love but very quickly we had problems.  He broke up with me, suddenly, after three months.  This was two months ago.
I still feel devastated by the loss.  I keep calling him and he has gotten seriously annoyed.  The worst thing is, sometimes when we talk he has been somewhat pursuaded to try things with me again, but I didn't realize and then called him again, crying, too soon, and he then says I am crazy and am too much.
This wasn't an issue when we were actually together.  I wasn't clingy, and he was very into me.  But since he has broken up with me its like it unleashed a desparate crazy person who can't stop crying and who feels so empty and like the only thing that will help is if I have his regard again.
I will probably be going back on anti-depressants (Wellbutrin) very soon, after being off them for nearly two years, but I was wondering if anyone has any thoughts about what I am going through.
Is there anyway that I can redeam myself with this man, regain his respect, if not his love?
Is it crazy for me to still want that, to not just move on?  I really feel like what we had was special and important...
I feel so alone and empty, although I have suffered much worse depression-wise.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1529
   Posted 7/28/2006 1:11 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi boonutl,

Welcome to the forum! I think you'll have a lot of support here -- I have.

A couple of questions for you. -- Were the problems in your relationship definable in source, or did they seem to emerge out of nothing? Did they seem rooted in your relationship, or as if things were intruding in? Has your ex got any history of depression himself?

I think (easier said than done) that, whatever the answer to the above questions, the *first* thing you need to look after is yourself -- for example, work on respect for yourself, rather than trying to win *his* respect all the time.

I don't think your reaction is crazy at all. (At least I hope not, because I could have written some of your post myself after my recent breakup!!!). You are confused, and have suffered a loss -- and you don't know what to do with that, partly because there are times when there seems to be a chance for you two to get back together, so your mind doesn't know whether or not to grieve.

Take care.
Rosie x

Veteran Member

Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 7/28/2006 4:13 AM (GMT -6)   

Hi boonutl, Welcome to Healing Well forum, we are happy to have you.  I totally agree with Rosie in the respect that the first person that you have to look out for is your self.  You have to work on reclaiming your self-respect and independence.  You said in your post that you have been off of Wellbutrin for "nearly two years” what made you stop taking them?  And do you have a diagnosis of depression / major depression?  Just these factors here could intensify the feelings that you’re having now.

You talk in your post of him noticing a change in you and the way you are presenting yourself to him and that this hurts you I am sure.  I am also sure that it isn’t something you feel you can control which is why is it so important for you to seek the help of a doctor or psychiatrist as soon as possible.  Breakups are terrible to go through, but we have to except them and move on especially if the other person is unwilling to work on the relationship.  If you’re unable to make yourself do that then there is a serious problem here.  Please seek help.  Do know that we are always here for you so continue to post, we would love to hear more from you.  Take care



New Member

Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 7/28/2006 4:30 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks, I do have to get my depression, or tendency towards it, back under control and will be seeing my doc on Monday.
It is hard, when one has personality issues, psychological issues AND mood issues to know what is going on.
The guy actually suffers depression too, and so theoretically at least understands, but his temperament is very different, and I think the extremem grief I am experiencing at the loss of this relationship has a bit more to do with personality deficits and temperament rather than strictly depression.
I do hope when I am more stable that he and I can come to terms again, but I am trying to focus less on that and more on re-grouping myself.
I am on an academic schedule and so had a very unstructured 6 weeks that are ending next week, which I think will help as well.
Thanks for all the support,

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1529
   Posted 7/28/2006 4:47 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Diana,

Ho-ho -- I asked about your ex and depression because events in what you wrote seemed rather familiar to what I've got with my ex. It could well be that he needs to get help for his own depression -- but I'd let him work that out for himself or from others right now, as it sounds like he's on the defensive.

You sound like you've been very demoralised, and that can look darn like depression at times; or it can become depression. I don't see that as defects in you. The suddenness of the changes in your life has left you reeling (like me!).

Bizarrely, I'm also on an academic schedule, and this is a bad time for structure for me too! -- In fact, could we be the same person?!?

This forum has really helped me to feel less grim, and I really hope you can find some peace here too. Keep posting.

Rosie x

New Member

Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 7/28/2006 11:00 PM (GMT -6)   
Yes, it is hard to tell the difference between being seriously demoralized and depressed.  I guess my doc can try and sort it out a bit on Monday!

Flavor flav!
Regular Member

Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 21
   Posted 7/28/2006 11:53 PM (GMT -6)   
I havnt read any posts except the first, but ill just say this much. When im depressed, i dwell on any loss, even the tiniest most insignificant thing as if it were the end of the world and it brings me close to suicide. Breaking up with a girlfriend would be catastrophic (in a depressed episode, basically allways with me, while not on antidepressants) and im sure i wouldnt survive long. Thats basically why I never had any girlfriends till i got on antidepressants, cause i knew i wouldnt be able to handle all the emotioinal burdens and what not.

I dont in any way want to sound condescending to you, and not being a woman, nor 40 years old, i know i cannot relate all that well. However in my opnion, I would say that what your feeling is'nt "normal". As soon as i come off my antidepressants, I can easily sink into thoughts of x girl friends and how good they made me feel and how sad i am they are gone and how much i miss them etc. and it takes over my thoughts and makes me break down and cry alot, just like you said. A certain amount of that kind of grief is certainly normal in any person, severely depressed or not, however when it seems to be obsessively on your mind and you cant shake it, especially when it was only a two month relationship, (not to belittle the relationship, but lets face it, thats not that long as far as relationships go) i would tend to believe that you may have some emotional insecurities (i.e. low levels of serotonin/norepinephrene which cause general feelings of sadness and emptiness: depression). Not being a woman myself, again, maybe these feelings are pretty normal for someone your age in your situation, just from my view they seem a bit beyond the extreme of normal relationship grieving patterns.
Hope i didnt offend you in any way.
"I wish I could give you points for that grizzled exchange, but i cant."
Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 624
   Posted 7/29/2006 7:17 AM (GMT -6)   

Hi hun, I know exactly what you are going through, you sound so in love with this person.

It's difficult but you should consider cutting the calls down and iving him the space to think things through.

You could send him a letter apologising for the calls and tell him  how you feel about him?

I hope you get back what you want so much!

Good luck with everything... :-)

Take care
I DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Regular Member

Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 470
   Posted 8/3/2006 6:09 PM (GMT -6)   
Unfortunately he has a right to make the decision of whether or not he wants you in his life. He has made a decision and you have to let him live with it. As long as you are calling and trying to keep him in your life you will not be able to move on. Heartache sucks but it is a fact of life. You are a strong lady and know very well how to handle your own issues. Good for you seeing your doctor and taking control of the situation. Keep moving forward, you'll do fine.

Regular Member

Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 22
   Posted 8/4/2006 12:12 AM (GMT -6)   
I'm sorry for the break up but I think the most important thing to note is that you realize you need help and you're getting it. Good for you.

Regular Member

Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 32
   Posted 8/4/2006 6:34 PM (GMT -6)   
My heart goes out to you ! Breakups are tough - but as the earlier posts mentioned this is the time to find yourself and move on !
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