I know I started the thread of survival. I feel like I am doing just that now. Just surviving.
I have big dreams. But it seems as though I can never even get close to achieving them.
I am at a dead end job. Nowhere to go in it.
My kids are creating their own lives. I know I will be a part of their lives,but it will be a small part.
My boyfriend says that he will not marry me due to my credit/his. My ex husband put us in bankruptcy about
7 years ago. I pay child support for my kids so they have decent health insurance. So of course that takes most of my bi-weekly paycheck.
He calls me a walking train wreck. If anything bad could happen to one person it will be me.
So,I am living with a man that will just be my boyfriend. Nothing more will ever come out of it.
My Grandparents still won't return my birthday/christmas cards and numerous letters. I called them yesterday and they basically told me they were too busy to talk to me. They are upset with my mom so of course since I am her daughter I will take the brunt of it. Like always. I am tired of being nice all of the time. I was a believer that you should treat people the way you want to be treated but everytime I turn around,no matter how nice I am I get the shaft. It seems as though I have always been someone that people feel the need to kick around when their lives get them down. I am just plain tired of "just surviving". I feel like my life is a waste,and always will be the way I am going.
I try to stay upbeat,but it is so hard.
I try to tell myself that I am better than this. That I deserve to have someone that loves me as much as I love them. It hurts me so much when my b/f tells me he will not marry be due to financial reasons. Because I would do anything for him. And I look past his faults and seem to find good in him. I do that with everyone.I look past their faults and try to find the good. And then it seems their faults are what pound me into the ground. When is enough going to be enough for me? Am I going to end up snapping and leaving him because I want more? And what would I do if I left? I do not make much money,how would I live?Should I just go the the ymca and rent a room?
I do not trust myself to be able to just "Survive". I am afraid that I will want more and then try to seek it out. But,then regret it when I realize AGAIN. That "more" is not something I am entitled to no matter how good of a person I try to be.
Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Post Edited (ShynSassy) : 7/28/2006 6:01:12 AM (GMT-6)