Posted 8/1/2006 1:29 AM (GMT -7)
It's hard to not be bitter. It's hard to not feel sorry for myself. Most everybody hates a self-pitier. I'm just going to pour it all out and if I'm vile or repugnant in my reproach, then I deserve your scorn. So now the truth.
I hate myself. No matter how much I care about other people, I can't feel the same about me. I am a coward. I'm afraid to take control of my life away from my mom and no matter how much I want to do so, I just can't. Many here have urged me to be my own person. I've had therapists to tell me the same. I know everyone's right. BUT! BUT! BUT!!!!!! it's like telling a depressed person to "just don't be depressed". I'm telling you, I have been conditioned to the way I am since I was in diapers. I love my mom and know that she didn't set out to do this to me, but she did. I am her "everything". That's a hard row to hoe everyday. So PLEASE people, don't tell me how I should do or such. You can't make this right for me and I know it and don't expect you to. I feel desperately alone all the time, no matter what I'm doing. I feel like banging my head on the wall and screaming my head off all the time, but I don't. I go along everyday as if all is fine.
It's not ALL about my symbiotic relationship with mom, though that's enough by itself!
I feel like running out the front door and going somewhere, but I can't run from myself. I'm telling you, no matter how much anybody finds me disgusting, I am many times more disgusted at myself. I have had daydreams where there are 2 of me. The "other me" kicks, punchs, stomps, slaps, bites, and whatever sort of punishment she can dole out, on the real me. But it's never enough. I have had chest pains before and thought, "Gee, it would be great if I could just drop dead of a heart attack right now!" I'm dead serious. However, I'm not suicidal, strangely enough. I'm just weird. You know, I think I want you all to hate me, because that's what I deserve and I know it. I guess if everyone hated me, I wouldn't have to care what anyone thought about me anymore.
Bless the beasts and the children...