Im sorry Ive left it so long to post in here. I have thought about this thread a lot and was actually nervous about what to post.
I'm afraid of a lot of things. I don't know whether Im posting the right things in here but I will tell you all what Im afraid of.
From the ages of 9-11 I was abused and raped by my mums boyfriend and my mum knew about it. No-one knew about this until 2 months ago. Since then I have been seeing a psychologist to talk about it all. I am frightened to open up and I am frightened to tell her everything as I am ashamed and disgusted with it all.
A lot of people want me to go to the police about this but I am scared to death that if I do he will come after me. This is the only time in my life I have ever felt safe and I dont think he knows where I am. If I go to the police, he will know where I am and I am scared he will find me and hurt me. My mum doesnt know where I am either and Im equally scared of her.
I have never posted something as detailed as this as I feel I am showing my weak side. I hate to admit I am afraid but I am. Sometimes when I think of all this I feel like a scared little girl again.
I feel like I need to be stong all the time and deep down Im not.
I hope you all dont think of me as weak and I hope its ok to post this in this thread but in answer to the question about what im afraid of.....this is it.
Im afraid I ll always be this weak, Im afraid I ll never get over the past and just be able to get on with things and Im afraid that one day he'll find me and my life will be over.
Ive never told anyone how afraid of this I am. I always put on a brave face and a smile. I always feel I have to.
Everyone one I work with thinks I am the happiest, fun and outgoing person they know. I have to put on this front at work as I am a nurse and I cannot put my own problems first. Its is easy to hide behind this front I put on.
I always think to myself that I shouldnt feel like this as there are people much worse off than me and i shoould feel lucky for what I have in life. I have worked so hard to get where I am today so whay cant I get past this.
Im so sorry for the long post. I dont think Ive ever just posted about myself like this - i have definatley shown you all my weak side.
Thanks for listening x
cherish all your happy moments....they make a fine cushion for old age
dx: IBS 2002, Solitary Rectal Ulcer Syndrome 2004, Depression 2004, Anxiety 2005
meds: lexapro 10mg, prednisilone 10mg, mebeverine 20mg