Im sorry Ive left it so long to post in here. I have thought about this thread a lot and was actually nervous about what to post.
I'm afraid of a lot of things. I don't know whether Im posting the right things in here but I will tell you all what Im afraid of.
From the ages of 9-11 I was abused and raped by my mums boyfriend and my mum knew about it. No-one knew about this until 2 months ago. Since then I have been seeing a psychologist to talk about it all. I am frightened to open up and I am frightened to tell her everything as I am ashamed and disgusted with it all.
A lot of people want me to go to the police about this but I am scared to death that if I do he will come after me. ....
Victoria, I know that you have heard this again and again but you have nothing to be ashamed of. Your fear of discovery is real, acknowledge it, you're allowed to be afraid. For much of my life I have examined the notion of courage. When I first had a problem with depression, it was undiagnosed and even after seeing an wonderful doctor it went undiagnosed (he told me this was all a reaction to stress). It took me 8 years to get better during which I had 2 children, built a house, moved several times and created a place for myself in the world. During that time there wasn't one single day that depression didn't make me feel weak. It wasn't until several months after I was no longer symptomatic with depression that I realized how much strength and courage it took to make it through those 8 years.
In our culture there are icons that we are supposed to look up to; sports figures, celebrities, people in authority. I have come to realize that while these people may be good people, they are not role models or heros. A role model is someone that everyone can aspire to immitate or be inspired by. Not everyone is capable of playing basketball like Michael Jordan or create a stunning performance like so many movie stars that we see today. Heros and role models are the everyday people in our communities that all too often go unnoticed, unsung and uncelebrated. They are the people that quietly go about their lives no matter what their challenges are. They are the people in our community that are trying to make a difference and make the world a better place.
It takes real courage to be one of those people. Courage is not only the act of doing something brave such as running into the burning building to save someone. It is also knowing what your fears are, being aware of how insurmountable they feel and looking them in the face and doing what we have to do anyway. Everyone of us that comes here trying to make sense out of the challenges that we have been given is here with real courage.
I believe that it is a personal decision to prosecute someone who has raped or abused you. You are the only ones that can make the decision to go to the police or not. I just want to say to anyone that has been attacked that there are crimes that have no statute of limitations. Don't assume that it is too late unless you have researched this carefully. There are many stories of adults who were raped or abused as children successfully prosecuting their attackers.
Y'all are my heros, everyday, one foot in front of the other with courage leading the way.