Please don't compare your problems to others' here and use that to make judgements on yourself: I think I can speak for everyone here when I say that each time one of us does that we judge ourselves harshly and beat ourselves up more. Your problems are just as valid as those of everyone else here -- sometimes it takes somebody from outside yourself to tell you that.
Your wife clearly loves you and knows that you're a good person in a lot of pain. I can really identify with that because that's how I feel about
my own partner (currently my ex, sometimes partner -- he's very on and off with the separating and running thing at the moment). I know that I stand by him because of the man he is -- good and strong and dealing with something no one should ever have to deal with in the only way he knows how, trying to help himself recover, getting knock-backs, still trying, living with pain and self-destructive urges that are so hard to cope with. You already know that this stuff has hurt her, so I won't pretend it doesn't -- but I cannot emphasise enough that she stays because she loves you and can see that you do love her. You have to hold onto that, because that's the most important thing of all here.
You've taken a really big step in deciding to face this problem head on -- and quitting drinking (massive well done on that because it can really exaccerbate these problems). Have you got professional help yet? I really think that's an important thing to set up if not. My ex/partner is seeing a pdoc and it has meant that he's been able to really start focusing on what he's dealing with -- the illness itself and the problems he's carried with him for many years (some of them not dissimilar to your own) -- and to begin finding strategies for recovery. I was very afraid he wouldn't take that step or that he'd quit as soon as he'd started seeing the pdoc -- cos he's always had problems with the notion of therapy ... but I think when it counted he realised it was what he needed.
As I say, it sounds like you and my ex/partner have a lot in common, and I'm guessing from what you said about
mania that this includes manic depression / bipolar disorder. The bipolar forum's a bit quieter than this one, but you'll find good sound help there too if you wanted to ask questions there. I know there are people there who've really pulled me out a few times recently -- and I'm only dealing with things from the other side.
People are not like fish: they do not work better battered.