Oh, sweetie. I am so sorry to hear you are having a relapse. Depression can be a horrible thing. I have also been dealing with depression and much like you I have had a pattern of on agian off agian depressoin...with anxiety attacks.
The last time I relapsed it lasted 13 months....13 months of daily pain....13 months of cutting myelf & doing a dangerous dance with sucide. I never got help. Each time I would do well...then fall...then get up...and fall agian. It was/is a vicious cycle that I feel/felt trapped in.
I started getting help.The first step was this forum, then I began researching self help, and reading books written by therapists exc. I am going to be seeing a theripist too.
Your journey through depression sounds alot like mine. Depression is a chemical imbalance....but it can also be caused by other issues. In my situation 21 years of repressed rage, fear, saddness, and self loathing, stuffing my feelings away because I couldn't deal with the pain or because it wasn't safe to talk about the pain or the horrors that were my childhood. These feelings contributed to or caused my depression. It was their only outlet. I have so much grief, sandess, rage, and fear that I have not delt with...because of being raised in an abusive situation...that the only way for those feelings to come to the surface was for them to manafest all at once in a horribly painful way.
I am going to a therapist so I can learn how to work through the immense grief and anger that I have because of my parents. Treating the feelings but not the source is not a good thing..my feelings would go away for awhile but always rear their ugly head agian. I urge you to seek help from a specalist if you have gone through any traumatic or painful events in your life or childhood. I have found that my depression keeps coming back because I have not gone through the grieving process fully and I am carrying around 21 years of unresolved stuffed away emotions that I havn't let surface on a fully concious level. working through these feelings make me very sad, makes me feel depressed, makes me have anxiety attacks...but I realize that these are things I need to deal with(and not just stuff away or medicate away because they are uncomfterable) to fully grieve and get well and move on with my life as a healthy sane adult.
Good luck and hugs from me. I hope you will be feeling better soon.