RonM152, Wow, your truly fighting a tiger. I have to believe you have more power than your giving yourself credit for. You did not accepted the easy way out. It sounds like you are strong enough to move forward in school. If I may, I think you should try to focus on the your near future and not borrow the additional weight of the next 60 years. I have thought suicide was an answer, but like you the realization of it's effects on friends and family brought me back to the reality of fighting for my life. You can do this and I know there is an answer. Please take care. I too am new to this forum. the people here really care and I'm sure they, we can help you move forward. Jer
For someone with depression I am pretty focused on the present. After 10 years, I have adapted in how I think and deal with it, and do not get entirely bogged down when things don't go my way. However, with the recent lack of success in treatment and the seemingly limited number of options left, depression and suicide are becoming more real to me than ever. I've made it halfway through college doing remarkably well for someone with depression, but I am just too lethargic and unable to focus on my work to continue right now. I get 12-14 hours of sleep every night now, and if I don't I can barely keep my eyes
open. Even when I do, I can rarely do anything useful. When I read my textbooks I don't absorb the information anymore. I can finish a paragraph and not even know what I was reading about
. This is especially apparent after the ECT. I think that if I tried taking classes this semester I would fail all of them. So I feel there is nothing I can do right now but take a semester off (which I did when I had the ECT), and get a menial job that doesn't require much skill/energy and has flexible hours. I will use this semester, without the stress of class, to aggressively try new treatments, but I fear that I will not find anything that works and will eventually drop out. Although I don't sit around worrying about
this, I do have to think about
it because it is a possible reality as of late. I don't know...a year ago I was thinking about
maybe going to grad school or med school, and now I might not even finish college. So it's kind of a stressful time with the school issues and the lack of success with all the medications I've tried recently.