Posted 8/14/2006 10:36 PM (GMT -6)
As I was talking with my wife this morning it occured to me that I have different rules for different people. Let me see if I can explain. My father never tried to maintain a relationship with me after I decided I needed to put all my energy in to my own family. We always initiated visits, we had to start the convesations, we had to create interest. It was draining to put all the energy out there with no positive return. So I stopped trying. I have put the questioning of his reasons for his behaviour out of my mind pretty much for 21 years. But when I try to stop my negative behaviours towards my wife I always seem to pull them back from the dead file. My father abandoned me for his newer family, My wife has stood by me through all the garbage I've thrown at her. She loves me and He doesn't. Why do I treat her poorly and let my father off the hook? It is the basis for the depressive episodes I have. I start with the insults, then I feel bad, blame myself and go even deeper in the dumps. While in the dumps I realize that I have no one to "blame" but myself and start looking for evidence that my fears are true and further add fuel to the fire.