Hit with a brick the size of NY.

Ok,back in 2003 when I was having major trouble with myself,I became stupid and got an DUI.
I am now going to the classes and had to take a 12 hr course this weekend on Drinking.
Believe me I saw myself in this course about a million times.
Depression-Drinking ect ect.
It was very indepth. And one of the major things I learned was a phase of drinking called
State Dependent Learning.
Which means things we have happen to us or learn while we are drinking. We remember best when we are back in the same state.
Ex.Pain that you experience while you are drinking. You are not able to reach that pain while you are sober. And when you get back into the drunk stage that pain will resurface. Another example,is if you have learned to do something while drunk like playing pool.You will be a bad pool player sober.
This hit me like a brick wall yesterday as I really think it explains my drinking/crying episodes.
Now I need to reteach my mind to deal with the pain that I am feeling when I am sober. But,I do not know how to get to that pain.
I had already made a comminment not to drink and drive after I got the dui. Mostly due to financial reasons. After seeing the victims families on tv,and hearing the kids talk about their mom's being killed. I could not breathe.
What if that was my daughter up there? Or what if I had hit another car and it had been someone's child?
I have used my depression for high risk choices for so long. I am amazed that I have not hit rock bottom yet.
Then,when asked why my drinking has changed after the dui. I told them the truth. It was because I had moved to another town,gotten away from those friends and am now living with my b/f. When asked what if my b/f and I broke up tomorrow. Would I be able to handle my depression/drinking?
I could not answer that. Expecially now that I am not taking meds.
I am dealing with alot,and should have taken that course a long time ago. But,now I need to figure out how to deal with myself.

Way to go Shy -- hit with a brick, but using it to help you build up your life! You've had a really important realisation here. Like Elisha says, try to find a counsellor so that you can start to access and deal with the things that cause you pain -- maybe CBT to help you with proactive methods of dealing with things (sounds like you're in a good place for that kind of therapy).

Good luck!!!

Rosie x

I have no choice but to make the right decisions. I have to set an example for my kids. They both have cars,one is getting ready for college. She could easily follow my footsteps.
I am struggling with what I want. How to get my mind right.