I know I'm being stubborn here but I still haven't gone back to my doc. My parents and siblings came over for the weekend (and will still be here until tomorrow night) and I think I'm getting a good distraction. I got three side jobs to work on until next week before I start with a new company so I'm being pretty busy putting up a show.
I'm usually happy and easy when I'm around people and I can say that I hardly exert effort to be that fine. But when I am by myself, that's when the fact that I actually have this overwhelming sadness hits me. It's like I barely know me and I hate myself for that. Why can't I just be simply happy, alone or not, or normal like everyone else? Have any of you felt that way?
And thinking of possible justification for such behaviour just drives me crazy. For years, I've been trying to act as a shrink to myself. I wish I could just shut down my brain and just breathe without thinking. People say I have this uncanny ability to complicate the simplest thing. I know it's crazy but I think this bizarre way of thinking causes my depression. An ex-bf even joked that I could be a refurbished God's creation that's why I'm being unstable...
You just said all you need to know about getting help.
1. Distraction - These things that "keep you happy" are not your life, they are distractions
2. When you are alone, you are not happy. That is probably your body's physical way of telling you that your emotions/mental wellbeing/brain need help
3. You are being stubborn (your word, not mine). Right now you are able to dance faster than the music but eventually the tempo will pick up and your feet won't be able to catch up.
You seem like a proactive person to me. You have the time now to get help before you are in total crisis. Please let your heart and mind listen to what your body is already saying.