Well just to start things off, its the first time posting on these boards so sorry if i dont follow with any of the "regular" stuff too well. I am 18, and pretty much fed up with life.
I always thought i had some good friends, yet i still believe i do. I have LOTS of acquantainces, but maybe one or two (if any) true friends. Problem is, my phone never really rings, the only time i go out to do something is when i set something up with someone and they arent busy, which is the case alot of the time. So i feel like i have no real friends, seeing how nobody wants to see me. As for girlfriends, i have had two, the first one was a great person, but she was really easy to get and would date pretty much anyone. I got way too attached to her after we broke up, we stopped talking, now recently she had to go to rehab for cocaine addiction (she totally changed) at the age of 16. Then my second one was the more recent one, she had a crush on me for god knows why, she asked me out i said no, but later asked her out. We dated for a good month and a half at the very most and broke up before prom, again i was really attached. Now just recently i started to hang out with her again and made the mistake of asking her out, turned out to be a no and not only that, but she was the only person i would really hang out with, now again im all alone, no friends or anything.
Now i believe that im a REALLY good person, i have had some issues in the past and i have some inner troubles, but i never let those out because i like to portrayed as a positive person (not like it matters, nobody really cares). I have cut myself one time and sent myself to the hospital to get 13 stitches, and now im left with that scar forever, but it wasnt out of depression, it was out of rage. I have one huge fault which seems to push people away as soon as i
open my mouth, literally. Im not religious at all, so i dont believe in God, but if he does exist, then he really must've hated me from the start. For whatever reason, i am 18 and my voice has yet to change, so its obviously a bit difficult to get anything, friends, girlfriend, anything... This bothers me but i do my very best not to show it (and i think i do well). And this is probably the main source of my negative outlook on the world, just that.
Now the only reason i live is for the only two people that actually care about me, my mom and my dad. I am an only child, and ending my life would put so much pain on their shoulders that i would never want to do that to them. I was in a near fatal car accident in February, and this really made me a bit more apathetic about life. Currently, all i ever really do is go to college (my first year, second week actually), go to work (which i cant stand), and then when im not at either i just waste away my life at the computer or playing videogames. I have plenty of hobbies, but most of which are a waste of time and progress me nowhere in life. I just hate knowing the fact that for the rest of my life i will be stressing out over work or school, thats all that i see life as, and i know its pessimistic. Odds are i will be alone the rest of my life as well, with the whole voice thing i doubt any girl would want to get near me. I am one of the most positive and caring people on the outside, but deep down inside i have all of this hate and anger building up inside of me that i cant take it anymore. This car accident really changed my outlook on life, not really for the better. It just made me realize how short life is, and how life is basically work and sleep, until you die. I dont want that.
I dont know what i expect to get out of this thread. I just want advice/suggestions or anything works, please...