When you "can't handle a day without it," or a week, then you need outside help. I self-medicate, too, with caffine and tobacco - should quit both, but haven't, so I do understand your addiction.
Lots of agreement on the "pushing people away" syndrome, part of Prove That You Love Me. Will they stay after you repeatedly dump on them? Misconseption is that they will if they truly love you. Like packing sand down rat holes, the longer they stay the more you dump till eventually both are destroyed. Co-dependent.
There is help out there. Check with your local Mental Health Association about affordable choices.