Another twenty years? This worn out body cannot take another twenty...
As for a connection, too old and too tired to even care anymore. Sometimes it just makes me feel good to get some of the worst parts of my life (and there are plenty) away from me and admit that I was (am) a complete failure. I have been pretending for years to be something GOD obviously did not intend for me to be.
She was prefect and I didn't respect her. One does not have that many chances at happiness. HE gave me a gift and I abused it (emotionally and sexually). Got what I deserved.
But I have also come to realize that whatever I am suffering from now (and the ulcers are starting to really kick in) is basically the same as when I was with her. I was fascinated with her then and am preoccupied with her memories now. Hell of a way to go about any type of daily routine...
I really do not deserve another connection. I would only screw that up.
Thanks for caring... And I hope your health does not keep you away from too much happiness.
See now I am thinking that you know exactly what to do. If you are in an unfulfilling marriage you can get out of it. You are a victim of your own choices. You chose to stay in the marriage, you chose not to seek professional help, You chose to let your health deteriorate. So it didn't go well, so what?!
MAKE SOME DIFFERENT CHOICES!! Chose not to wallow around in a self-pity party. Chose to live a fulfilling life in that rural environment that you want. Chose to make your dreams come true. It may involve you getting a job and making a commitment to yourself to live a more purposeful life but you will have to chose to do so.
I am not a religious person but several times on this thread you have referenced "the plan that God had for you". If you truly value the plan of God do you honestly think it was his plan for you to sit around wallowing in self-pity waiting to die?
It is never too late to change your health and make it better but you have to chose to do so.
What on Earth do you think you are teaching that granddaughter about living a purposeful life? Is that the legacy that you want to leave her whenever you are no longer here?
It is never too late to chose a better life but you have to chose to make it happen.
Please don't give me any excuses (fatigue or not)about why you can't do this. I have been dealing with depression for many years myself, I know what depression is all about. I also know that there are excellent mental health professionals out there because I see one. I know that chosing to change one's life is difficult and scary and often a road we walk alone. It is still a choice worth making. It also takes courage.
Missie1227 - I don't see how you can say that you are not advocating suicide. If your beliefs are as you say, yours and personal, I think is the height of irresponsibility to advocate those beliefs here to a person who may only need your push to do something that can never NEVER be taken back.