I need help with a friend.

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Veteran Member

Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 9/3/2006 7:49 AM (GMT -6)   
Ok,I am full of rage,worry and my own nightmares are coming back to me. So I do not know if I am able to be in this situation with out judging.
Here is the story:
Last night my boyfriends brother called and was in a complete state of confusion,rage and worry as his wife had gotten into a big fight with his brother in law. We were told that he hit her.
I am not close to this girl at all,in fact she annoys me alot. And for some reason she called me and wanted to talk about it. I think it was probably because I got out of an abusive relationship 4 years ago.
I told her that no matter what she said, as long as she did not punch him first (most will probably not agree with me on this,but I believe that if a woman punches a man like a man they should expect to be hit back with the wrong man). I told her that no man should ever lay hands on a woman.
This man has shown his temper so many times. He has shown it with his kids,he kicks the crap out of his dog. And I have told my b/f several times that he scares me. He reminds me in many ways of my ex-husband. I have told my b/f that he needs to keep an eye on his sister. I have even said those words to her mother.
Now,it all comes to light.... I do not know how I am going to handle this. I am worried that if he can hit someone else's wife,right in front of his child,his wife and his mother in law. What is he doing to his own wife?
I see myself in her. He does not have a job. She is supporting the whole family right now. He goes from one job to another (just like my ex). She is a strong woman on the outside. But I have seen him riducule her many times. I see what I have always thought was pain in her eyes.
I do not think she would be able to admit it yet. She is not at that stage. I know from experience that I was not ready to admit that I let someone hurt me like that.
I was so angry last night that I actually laid down and daydreamed about confronting this man. And asking his wife if he hit her. But I know that I cant do that as it might make the situation worse for her.
My b/f admitted that he does not know what to look for. He knows from me,that women like that hide the bruises.. I told him that I would try to help,but I am afraid that I will see something that is not there.
I am afraid that this is not the story... what do I do?
Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia

Regular Member

Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 50
   Posted 9/3/2006 11:00 AM (GMT -6)   
I dont think there is very much you can do you cant help someone whos not willing to be helped.

That is a very touchy subject and im sorry but i dont have any ideas of what you could do im sorry but im sure someone else will. Good luck!
&& maybe when people say you've changed
its because you stopped living your life, their way...

My reflection makes me sick
The pain we feel is nothing new
Prescription drugs and photographs
Love, loneliness and nervous laughs
What you call misery through anxious eyes
Is something I can’t see..

Regular Member

Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 470
   Posted 9/3/2006 12:05 PM (GMT -6)   
This truly is a situation where you have to try to recognize what you can control and what you can't control. The only thing you can do is give the abused woman advice based on the benefit of your experience. After that you ahve to step back and let her do what she is going to do. If she came to you that is an opening to give her your advice but that doesn't guarantee she will take it, most people don't. If she does nothing to make her situation better, that is her responsibility. If you witness the abuse you can call in the authorities but if it is not first hand knowledge you are walking a slippery slope.

Even if she annoys you, I am pretty sure that you would not be able to sit by and do nothing even if it is just giving advice. The one thing you can do is keep in touch with her and be her advocate. You may find out that the reason she annoys you is not really who she is but rather who she is when she is trying to "appear" like everything is alright.
Walk in harmony

Veteran Member

Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 9/5/2006 4:58 PM (GMT -6)   
It is so hard as they have 2 beautiful kids and I see the effects the fighting is having on the oldest. It brings back way to many harsh memories for me.
Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1123
   Posted 9/5/2006 11:34 PM (GMT -6)   
Is anyone involved holding this abusive man responsible for his actions?  Does anyone have any influence on him?  Of course, if called, the police will seperate a fighting couple temporarily, and IF the victim is willing to press charges they can get a protective order and take him to court.  Big "IF" there...
The dog and the children are helpless in this situation - they need to be protected at all costs.  The wife may well feel helpless, whether she actually is or not.  Anyone else this man attacks is responsible for taking appropriate action so that it will not happen again.  What's the matter with these people?  If his rage and outbursts and violence isn't stopped, it will only escalate.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Nov 2005
Total Posts : 751
   Posted 9/6/2006 1:44 AM (GMT -6)   
i was in an abusive relationship which i regret staying for as long as i did but i was working on my MS degree and didnt have much money to be on my own so unforntuantely i had to deal with it ...it was like walking on egg shells every day; this man had an explosive temper and as soon as i could get out i did....sadly my kid had to see his drinking habits and bad temper when things didnt go his way, he was a  childish man who on the outside looked okay, a 'fireman' who served in vietnam and an expert sharpshooter to boot....
he neglected to tell me that while he was in nam, one of his best friends got depressed and shot himself in his head and then shot the CO in front of my ex- husband and never talked about it with anyone, one day he spilled his guts about it to me at the kitchen table...i was appalled at what i heard....had i known this before i never would have been with him -the secrets men hide ...it was then i knew why he was the way he was, he was suffering from PTSD and never got any help for it and denied getting help for it or wanting help for it....
i was scared of him. i tried to leave several times once to a womens shelter which did nothing for me , they in fact told me to go back to him to see if i could try to make up with him since i had medical insuracne with him an dental ins and while i was in school i needed a place to stay.
it was awful, i have been married three times and now i do not mind being alone so now you know why.
Alan, never beat me up physicially but was menancing anyways and emotionally abusive to me. i never knew how he was going to be after a days work and was always fearful of him.
i ate crow to get what i wanted which was to get my degree b/c then i knew i could get a job and book outta there which is what i eventually did. i was with him from 1992 to 1998 awful years but i got my teeth all done over and took advantage of every thing he had to offer for myself to make things more bearable.
finally i left in 1998 june to take a teaching job 80 miles away  from him. i did not miss him at all.
you do not have to be phyicially punished to be hurt, it can be emotionaly abuse also, and your friend may being emotionaly abused by him and this is a very bad thing for kids to see.
because they end up thinking this is okay and model the behavior of what is being done to them at home, to others in school....also if the kids at aschool tell the teacher, the techer is a mandated reporter- they will call CPS on the family.
she needs to leave him and get away from him and keep her kids from being witness to any more of this. if he hits her and she presses charges, he will be out the next day and as mean as ever.
even with a restaining order agaisnt him, means nothing for if he has it in his mind to hurt her he will do it no matter what any court says to keep away.
she has to flee with the kids and not go back and make a plan to do this ASAP quietly, if she can get  some money and take her things and stash them with a friend ( valuables etc) and if need be set him up with a video cam in the hosue to catch him in the act and use it agaisnt him in a court of law, then she may have him locked up for longer.....she can apply for WIC and other support services for herself and her kids....
He has a problem.  if i am reading this correctly what you wrote and she is in danger. moreover, her kids are in danger also. a man with a hairpin temper you never know what to expect from them.
so she should get out ( easier said than done) i left a total of 5 times and went back before i left for good in 1998 b/c i did nt have any money to sustain myself and ended up wracking up student loans to have some money to live off of. can someone help her in the family or friends? she needs t o be far away from him to be sure.
Gosh - i hate hearing about stuff like this b/c i went through it also and it was bad.
i hope this turns out okay sad sad
9-02 crash w/ C-5-6-7 anterior/posterior fusion in neck w/11 screws and 4 metal plates. multilevel HNP at T & L section. FMS, PA in dec 05. on SSDI after 2.5 yr wait. sezuires, CTS, IBS ( C & D). norco, xanax, predisone shots. i dont know what else is wrong with me and neither does anyone else!!!

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