Hi Mandi, I see quite a bit of myself in your post. I have often felt emotionless like I have nothing inside of me to give to someone else, unable to express it but at the same time just want to be able to have that one person I can open up and show them all the ugliness that I carry around inside of me everyday from childhood and past hurts.
From your post it seems that you didnt grow up with too much sensitivity, kindness and caring from your mother. At least as far as the situation with the 24 year old women was concerned. I only hope that you can look back on that now and see that she was preying on a child which makes her a child molester, and your mother instead of blaming you in part for that by calling you terrible names that no mother should ever call their daughter should of made sure that you knew it wasnt your fault. You were 12 years old and at that age are not able to consent to a sexual relationship of any kind nor is someone of this age able to process the ramifications of such a relationship.
Perhaps you hadnt had a good relationship with your mother from the start in which you could talk to her. I dont know and dont want to analyze you or your past here. But I can see where a lot of these problems would come into play if this were the case. Especially the self-harming as you were blamed and felt that it was somehow your fault and turned inward.
There is this little saying I have always heard and never really believed it was quite true until recently..."you cant love someone else until you learn love yourself". That is one of the most difficult things I have had to do, love myself, for who I am, what I am and what I stand for. And to tell you the truth...I am still working on it, day by day.
I think counseling would be an excellent idea for you. It would help you work through some of these past issues and give you coping skills for everyday life. Then when your ready you can bring your husband into the sessions with you and you can address your marriage.
I am sure that other members will post to you also with some other suggestions for you. Please know that we are always here for you so feel free to post often. Take care
Moderator: Heart & Cardiovascular Disease