I do get it. When I was a kid I had a feeling of a presence in my life. Suspend belief for a minute here and stay with me on this okay. Later in my life I identified that presence as my paternal grandmother who passed away when my dad was a baby. I never knew her but always felt a hole in my life. As soon as I knew that it was her, that feeling went away. I worked hard to find out about
her. She was an amazing woman and I am glad that she watched over me.
I get the hole thing. I have also since found out that my dad was a sperm doner. I have 3 natural siblings. 1 I don't get along with that well, 1 is great but lives far away and 1 is difficult to describe. He is a good person that I have very little in common with and his wife is a shrew. I have always wanted to belong to a strong, close family. My mom and I were not close when I was a kid and have never really been able to achieve that in my adulthood. My dad is great but was a busy guy. I would love to find out if I have any half-siblings out in the world. I know that they may turn out to be people who don't want anything to do with me or just not nice people. What if they are nice people? What if we do get along? I have not done anything about
trying to find them because 1) I need my dad's doner number and I don't have it and 2) I don't want to bring anything unwanted into my parent's life. If I make this choice I need to make it for myself and not them.
The thing about
childhood is that even though it may feel like it, it isn't terminal and it will pass. This sounds pretty lame but try to get involved in something that is a passion for you. Join clubs at school, do volunteer work, get a job. These things will all help you pass that time, teach you great self reliant skills and help you focus on other things. When I was 12 I started hiking. It blew me away the first time I walked into the mountains and was surrounded by nature. As a teen I hiked as often as I could and worked with a local park department as a camp counselor. This passion I have brought me my best friend in 9th grade and we are still there for each other. It brought me my husband, a wonderful man, and taught me how to be strong and self reliant so that I didn't need the approval of people who made me feel unwanted.
I do believe that we are capable of outgrowing our counsellors. If you have been with this person for so long, perhaps it is time to change therapists. Sometimes we get to the point where we have done as much work with one person as we can. Only you will know the answer to this question.
Stay in touch.
Walk in harmony