How am I Feeling?

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Have Faith
Regular Member

Date Joined Jun 2006
Total Posts : 29
   Posted 9/14/2006 3:50 PM (GMT -6)   
I suppose I just need to vent to someone is all...and I find writing this down eventhough I'm not actually tellin someone face to face is easier fer me...
Let's see...I've been on this site but different forums...cancer and lupus...I'll tell ya what's goin on with me and then someone can tell me what the devil I'm doin...I'm gettin clueless here...
1. Just turned the big 40
2. Mother just died 2 months ago to Cancer she'd fault this battle for 6 months and I was with her every step of the way and watched her take her last breathe.
3. Father has lupus and difficult time for him right now with that and mother's death...his depression is gettin bad and lupus seems to be takin control.
4. 2 teens - need I say more...???...
5. husband just does NOT understand...ohh boy this could be a book in it's matter what I look like it's still not good...I should either buy new clothes, do my nails, change my hair...ohh and pinch my waist..?? if I need to lose weight...which I'm 5'7" and weight 145...I think what get's me the most is that when my children were little he had cheated on me and I guess I can't shake that...when mother died I didn't want him to hold me...I felt I can do this on my own...Since dealing with my dad all the time I have totally shut him out now...he's the type he can be sooo ticked at something one day and the next wake grinning and perfectly okay...NOT ME...let me stop about him...
6.  I lost my best friend only mother...I talk to no one about anything...
7.  I dont sleep...I think I'm tired...I lay there and the more I do the more I'm awake...then I can't function in the morning..AND to make that even worse we have a construction company so it's difficult...
8.  I dont think clearly anymore...
9.  Somedays I'm okay and even when I'm not I'll tell you I'm fine...I hear this about every day or so...Are you sure your okay...???...YES if you leave me alone I will be fine! (I think that I dont say it)
10.  I dont like ME...I dont like how this is makin me feel...act or even communicate with others...I put on a mask when others come around as if "she's a happy one"...and inside I just want the Lord to take me so I can get off this miserable earth with all the pain, madness and hurt ...I'm not afraid to die...I'm NOT that crazy to kill  myself or anything...far from that...but I'm ready is He's ready to take me...there isn't one thing on this earth worth all the pain that I'm going thru right now...
Go to the Dr...??...
yea okay done that...meds dont work...
See a marriage counselor...???..
I would but he never would so why go...???...
Talk to your best friend..???...
She's gone from my sight but not from my heart...
I'm just sooo totally clueless...
I do HAVE my Lord and He will point me in the direction I need to go in..but for now...???...I DONT KNOW...!!!...
Anyone have any of these things happen to them that have a word of advice...??...
As Always (As I always sign off)
Have Faith

Regular Member

Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 470
   Posted 9/14/2006 5:00 PM (GMT -6)   
4. 2 teens - need I say more...???...
Go to the Dr...??...
yea okay done that...meds dont work...
See a marriage counselor...???..
I would but he never would so why go...???...
Crista,  I am so sorry for your loss and all the challenges that you are going through.  You are overwhelmed and have a right to be.  Here you will find many who will listen to you and support you if we can.
I copied the bits above because I can't eat the entire elephant in one bite and these issues seemed key to moving on.  Here is what I have to say,  Hang in there with the teens, it is tough now but it does get better.  Just breath.
Go to the doctor because you need help and support.  Even if what you do is get some assistance with sleeping that will be one step ahead that you don't have now.  If antidepressants are recommended you need to know that there are many different alternatives and just because one didn't work does not mean that another one won't.  Keep the Faith.
See a counselor not for your husband, not for your marriage, not for  your father, not even for your kids.  See a counselor for you because you need tangible support and you are worth it.  Take care of you right now so you will be better able to deal with the loss of your mother, the care of your father, the raising of teens and the issues with your husband.  See a counselor to help you get your feet back under you so that you can think clearly, sleep well and get you back.  It won't be easy, it won't be fast but you will take steps forward every day if you are completely honest with you and with your counselor.
Also Google caregivers support groups (we aren't allowed to post links on this site) and you will see some great places to get help and support as a caregiver of your father.  Caregiving all by itself is a demanding task.  Get help because you have to take care of yourself first or you won't be able to take care of anyone else.
We are here for you, stay in touch.
Walk in harmony

Veteran Member

Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 9664
   Posted 9/14/2006 9:53 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello, Have Faith, Sorry about the loss of your mom. you've really had a lot to deal with. Wish I had some magic words to say(sorry about the cliche). Life sometimes takes us down a fastlane whether we want to go or not. You picked a good website to come and get help or to just let off some steam. Hope someone here can give you some advise and I hope things get better for you soon. I however do have a teenager and know a little of what your going through there sometimes I wish I could drop my teenager off at school and pick her up again when she is 21,just skipping the whole teenage years.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 9/15/2006 6:44 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Faith, I am so sorry about lossing your mom.  It is a lot to deal with and I dont think I could walk in your shoes so giving advice is difficult.  I hope that posting and getting it out helped to some degree.  I do agree that perhaps counseling would help for you and only for you until your ready to deal with all the rest of the things that are going on around you.  Please know your more than welcome to post here anytime...we are always here to listen and try to help in anyway we can...take care


Co~Mod: Depression

Moderator: Heart & Cardiovascular Disease

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1123
   Posted 9/15/2006 9:09 AM (GMT -6)   
All good responses to your post ... you truly have a Lot! on you.
1.  See your primary care physician for a thorough check up - all that has happened takes a toll on you physically.
2.  Get an appointment with a therapist - grief, parenting, marriage, overwhelm ... all issues to explore.
3.  If a doc recommends meds, then try them - and keep trying different ones till you find something that helps.
4.  Pamper yourself!  That body of yours is bound to be strung tighter than a banjo - get a massage just to relax.  You deserve it.  Do whatever else helps you to relax, too.
5.  Delegate/give up/go on strike with any chore you can part with; let others pick up the slack or leave something undone for awhile ... the sky won't fall.
6.  Keep posting.  This is a great place to honestly express your feelings and concerns.
My dad died years ago.  I still talk to him all the time (in my head) and get responses, too!  His love and philosophy for living help to keep me strong.  Your mother is still both with and within you, whether she is physically present or not.
Take care of YOU!  The "just fine" facade works as long as you realise it is a public/business face, and are working to make it a real time reality for Self.      :-)   

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 1629
   Posted 9/15/2006 11:55 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Faith,

I am adding my welcome here to you. Post here anytime. We are always here to listen. I am sorry for everything you are going through. You have some good suggestions from members here.

Take care and keep posting
Moderator~GERD/Heartburn Forum
Co~Moderator: Depression Forum

Regular Member

Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 280
   Posted 9/16/2006 8:14 AM (GMT -6)   
God bless you! You will be in my prayers. I'm sorry you have been through so much lately.

Although I have my parents, both my children died at birth, and I still have empty arms. This is a wonderful forum and you will find lots of support here.

My husband and I almost got divorced a few years ago, but the Lord carried us through and we are better than ever now. Hang on to your faith. The Lord will not fail you.

Please feel free to PM me. God bless.
Adopt a retired racing greyhound

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