Posted 9/25/2006 11:11 PM (GMT -7)
Hi people, I cannot find the answer to my question in any books or on the web, so I thought I would try and ask all of you whom have shared my disease. Forgive me if this has been discussed before, as I could'nt locate it.
Is there a name or any correlation between feelings of disconnection and survivng suicidal/severe depression tendancies?
Let me elaborate. I feel into a deep depression about a year and a half ago. The girlfreind I was dating for about two years (bah! I was ready to spend the rest of my life with her) dumped me when I confided in her I started to cut myself. I lost my job, the already weak relationships I had with my family, the people who I thought were my freinds, and any solace I found in religion. I spend months in my room numb, oversleeping, undereating, shut away watching the days bleed into weeks bleed into months. A person cannot live in this sort of enviorment indefinately, and after a while I started to think more and more about suicide. This led to three seperate suicide attempts, a half bottle of sleeping pills, then a whole bottle, then a hose inside the cab of my car connected to the tailpipe and an epiphany. After suicide attempt number three, ( heavy traffic in a normally isolated area plus a tear in the duct tape) I no longer could believe it was sheer dumb luck that my hide was still alive, that maybe the God I abandoned did not abandon me in return. Over the course of the year, little by little, I climbed out of the hell-hole that is depression and now consider myslef a better person for the experience, if only a bit more somber and contemplative. I have only one problem, or in this case, question: Why do I still feel disconnected from those around me? I dont think I'm depressed any more, I dont cut myself now, I have a good job and can laugh without a heavy heart. But its still there. Like I'm an observer, an outsider, better suited to comment on or wax poetically about normal human interaction rather than partake in it. I've tried to get close to other people since this, but one by one they drift away, and I'm beggining to think I dont let people get in close anymore subconsiously. Is there a name for this? What do I call it and is it even related to suicidal depression? Any feedback (er.... POSITIVE feedback) or like experiences would be appreciated. Thanks for reading this wall of text.