Welcome to HW! -- I hope you find plenty of support here and that you feel comfortable.
Firstly, as Elisha has said, I think you're braver than you realise at times -- not only taking a summer job so far out of your "comfort zone", and mixing with people whilst there, but also posting here: I remember my first post and I was terrified (all sorts of imagining rejection on a grand scale!), but you've done it, shown your strength to face and deal with the things in life that make it hard for you. Give yourself some credit for that hun, really. :)
I too often feel like I'm going through the motions -- not here, but in general life where I can't be sure that anyone would really understand if I let myself go and they got to know *me*. I can keep myself to myself rather a lot (that old isolating thing), but then I get all sorts of paranoid that I'm not a part of things and I don't have any real friends. Case in point: I moved to the other end of the country (UK) 2 years ago for a job. Well, for most of those 2 years I felt like I didn't have a close friend in the place, apart from my partner. Then things fell apart with him in a quite devastating way and I was so low, felt so isolated, and so lacking in confidence, self-esteem, you name it...! Thing is, deep down I realised that I hadn't exactly been proactive in building any other friendships in this place apart from that with my partner. Well, I went to counselling and poured my heart out -- and, yes, I think you should tell everything, because it seems to me that this is all part of a bigger picture -- and I gradually began to reach out a bit more, to seek people out rather than hping they'd just realise that I wanted to be sought out myself. I won't say I now have a large circle of friends: a lot has happened in my life that makes it hard for me to trust people -- and to trust my own judgement! But I realised that I have made one wonderful friend who lives close by over the last few terrible months, and I have a couple of others that I feel pretty close to as well now (though I still don't tell them everything), and every Thursday night I have a date with a pub quiz that my wonderful friend got me along to, and I'm meeting more people and coming out of myself. And then there's here: I have found such wonderful, friendly, caring, and *trustworthy* people here -- and that has really helped restore my faith in the world and in my own ability to make friends.
So I guess I'm saying that things like this make us learn about
ourselves as much as other people -- and often we find support where we never realised it was to be found -- and some of the strongest friendships are made in adversity. I hope you will discuss this with your counsellor, and I hope you will find many friends here. Above all, I hope you grow in confidence and self-esteem: you are stronger than you know. :)
People are not like fish: they do not work well battered.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded...
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum