Posted 9/28/2006 4:28 PM (GMT -6)
***It's a long read, but please bear with me***
Hello, I am new here. I desperately need someone to talk to and/or advice.
I got fired today.
I cry just typing it. Not only am I hurt and humiliated, but this is the fourth time in a row this has happened to me and I don't know why! I am so hurt and confused.
I have always felt like an "outsider" - and I think now is the time I really need to confront this and figure out why.
I am an only child (which I strongly feel damages a child's development socially). My relationship with my parents is strained - right now my mother and I are getting along and talking, but she goes through periods where she gets depressed, or angry with me for no reason, and we don't talk for months. I am a "daddy's girl" I guess, I know my father loves me to pieces but even though I try to be close to him, he does things that make it obvious that he doesn't want to spend a lot of time with me. (Depression runs on both sides of my family)
The men that I have attracted to me have always been the manager type or business owners, and I am now married to a manager of a succesful company. I often find myself thinking that I'm all wrong for him, that he deserves someone more successful than me. He's great, although not terribly supportive emotionally. He has a hard time accepting that depression is real. He thinks people can just "snap out of it".
I am an attractive 31-year old woman (although I've recently gained about 20 pounds due to illness), and strangely enough (I'm not making it sound like it now), I really like myself. I think I'm funny, I like my personality and I think I am a loyal an intelligent person, with a positive attitude and good morals, not to mention a good work ethic. However, I have found it hard to be accepted by people throughout my whole life. School, jobs, family - even short relationships such as trips to the store, I feel as though I have been summed up and am being looked down upon. Now, I know that sounds paranoid, but you have to admit, people often judge others quickly, and usually you can pick out who's a big geek, or who's the prissy cheerleader either by looking at them, or within the first 10 minutes or so of a conversation. With me, I feel like I win people over right away, but deep down I know that once they get to know me, the "jig will be up". And it almost always comes to pass. I've never been one of the "popular crowd", although I manage to get along with them, whether it was when I was in high school, or now (ain't it great how there are clicks everywhere?) I don't know what it is about me, but I find out later that I'm talked about behind my back, someone who I thought liked me really doesn't, I've even had people who have actively hated me. After experiencing this for my whole life I can't really help but be a little paranoid I guess.
Unfortunately I don't get a view of myself from anyone else's point of view but my own. I can't really ask someone to put their finger on it for me - either I don't know anyone well enough, and those I do know well enough probably don't see it; that's why they're friends with me, right?
Anyway, now that I'm out in the working world this thing, this personality flaw or whatever it is, it's been hurting me for years. I've been fired many times, or wound up leaving the ones I don't like because I'm never happy with them, and I usually feel like I just dodged a bullet because they might have fired me if I didn't quit. Of course it hurts every time, and my resume really leaves something to be desired because I go through jobs like water. I have to lie and use my father's company as a reference, and of course his assistant (who has known me for years) lies for me, whatever I tell her to say. But I'm humiliated to have gone through yet another job.
I figure at my age it's time to "settle down" and get a "real" job. So within the past few months I've been looking for a job that I could see myself at for years to come. So being fired just hurts that much more deeply, since I want to invest my heart and soul into it. First I registered with a temp agency and got a temp-to hire position at a small business, and loved it. But after a week and a half, my contact at the temp agency called me and told me that they didn't want me to return. I then went to be a personal assistant and I was thrilled because it was the most money I had ever made. After 1 week he let me go, over the phone on a Saturday. Next it was another small business, who fired me after 1 week, saying I had done nothing wrong, I was great, blah blah, but I just "didn't fit in" (their words). Then I finally got my current (well, not anymore) job, which I loved. I was so happy with it even though it was a small office (although I don't mind, I know that working closely with people causes them to get to know me better and faster, which is a recipe for disaster for me) - I even took a steep pay cut because I was sooo happy. I was wary not to lose sight of things, not to get too excited because of my track record, but everything was going great.
Until now. I am crushed. I could hardly breathe as I packed my things. I don't know what to do or say anymore, or most of all what to think. How do I take this? What do I do now? I can't take it anymore. What kind of a person gets fired four times in a row? I'm sure I could make excuses and find reasons why it's not all my fault, but I feel like such a horrible loser. And I'm scared of what to tell my husband. It's starting to affect our relationship - he is overly stressed because of the money situation this puts us through, but also I don't want him of all people judging me. I lied to him about the temp job I got fired from - made up some lame excuse, but admitted to him the personal assistant firing incident, which he was not immediately supportive of me but eventually came around (he says he was just stressed about money). I also admitted being fired from the one after that, and he was great about it. But I can not tell him that I have been fired once again. I can't even deal with it myself right now. It's lunch time here, and I told my husband that I went home, and I get to spend the rest of the day figuring out what I'm going to tell him.
Getting another job will be no problem, but I so need to figure out why this keeps happening, I can't keep going through this. I am lucky I'm not suicidal or else I'm sure I would have tried by now. I don't know what will help. I don't know what to do. I feel a little better having typed this all out. I'm very sorry I've brought you through all this, and it's such a long post, so if you've made it here then thank you for sticking with it. Now can you tell me what to do?? How do I handle it all? These are some of the worst emotions for a person to go through and I hate it but I don't know how to make it stop. Can anyone tell me? Can anyone tell me what's wrong with me??