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New Member

Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 10/1/2006 9:31 PM (GMT -6)   
I can't even figure out what to write.  No hope.  No happiness.  No meaning.  No purpose.  Not a day goes by that I don't wish I were dead.  The world is filled with pain.  People hurt for no reason.  I always thought it would get better when I got older.  I'm 51.  I cry every day.  Songs on the radio make me cry.  Seeing or hearing women or kids get yelled at or abused makes me cry.  Thinking about it right now is making me cry.  Lonely people make me cry.  I hate the people I work with.  I hate stupid selfish people.  I hate my life.  I love my son.  Hate my wife.  I want out of everything but can't hurt my son.  Nobody understands me.  Nobody understands what I'm saying or what I mean.  Nobody sees what really matters.  Maybe I don't either.   I'll never find the one person I always dreamed of - a friend I can relate to.  I just want to sleep and not wake up.  I don't eat much.  Don't drink and don't do drugs except sleeping pills a few nights a week.  I live on coffee and cigs mostly.  stupid diet I know.  I'll spend the rest of my life lonely, living with the same hatefully person in a loveless marriage and working with people I hate so I can give my son the things he needs including time.  Drugs or therapy for me isn't the answer.  I don't want to know how to deal with things.  That's just dealing with the symptoms.  I want the pain and suffering in the world to go away.  I want people to stop hurting other people.  That will never happen.  If life were a game I wouldn't play - it's a rigged game, no way to win without making someone else loose.  sorry for the rambling whiney post.   I just felt I had to do something.  I don't want advice.  I just thought maybe someone somewhere knows what I'm talking about.  Anyway thanks for letting me post.

Regular Member

Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 248
   Posted 10/1/2006 11:01 PM (GMT -6)   
FMA, I know somewhat of what you are going through. I'm in the middle of it myself. I'm taking it day by day right now. Have you been to a doc about this? Most of the time I just want it to stop to, but I think about my kids and my husband and they are what is keeping me here at the moment. Please keep going for your son.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Nov 2005
Total Posts : 751
   Posted 10/2/2006 1:33 AM (GMT -6)   
i could have written that posting that he wrote....i too, am stuck in a loveless marriage but it is better than being all alone i guess although we both know we dont really love each other it is more like compansionship sex is not an issue b/c it isnt enforced or asked for on either of us part, we are just like friends living in a a common place and both waiting to grow old to leave.
i dont know waht i am doing anymore i have one son also. i try not to watch tv as i cant take it anymore, if i watch i end up taking xanax to clam me down.
waht a terrible time to be alive in this day and age i think some times.
we are still so primitive and  have to resort to waring to keep inflated egos puffed up. waht about the dignity of jsut day to day living?
i at 50 have tried to give my kid 22, everythnig i did nt have so he could have a better time of it.
oh i know it could be worse, i could be living in a tent somewhere under a bridge or out in the fields of china scratching for my dinner
but usa is not all it is cracked up to be sorry i dont want to sound liek a traitor.
i was told once that you are alive to make the world a place a better place for those to come to follow behind us. i dont by it.
but what really changes, it reminds me of the old 70's song by 'we dont get fooled again' by the who, in one part of the verse the songs says 'meet the new boss, same as the old boss.''
its the same all over again. every day new tech to try to keep up wit hthe jones...the pressures of not knowing enough and being left behind.
heck 50% of the students of fl schools do not graduate...waht happenes to them?
i am tired of the day to day pressurees so i sleep too much also i would rather dream people ask me why do you sleep to much -to escape
9-02 crash w/ C-5-6-7 anterior/posterior fusion in neck w/11 screws and 4 metal plates. multilevel HNP at T & L section. FMS, PA in dec 05. on SSDI after 2.5 yr wait. sezuires, CTS, IBS ( C & D). norco, xanax, predisone shots. i dont know what else is wrong with me and neither does anyone else!!!

Veteran Member

Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 10/2/2006 7:25 AM (GMT -6)   

Hi fma, welcome to healing well forum. A lot of us can relate to what you said in your post, I know I could 3 years ago. I was in a terrible marriage (no kids) which was abusive and had a career that I loved but worked with a bunch of people that I grew to hate. I too have a difficult time watching TV the news mostly as I was a child of molestation and that seems to be all over the news, kids being kidnapped or hurt.  I won’t give you any advice as that isn’t what you want or are seeking but I can’t help to think there is something in you reaching out trying to connect to someone who may understand.  There are many here who can understand where you’re at and many who have climbed and clawed out of that hole.

I don’t know how old your son is but I did just want to say that children are very perceptive of what is going on with their parents and in their if your just staying in your marriage because of not wanting to hurt your son then perhaps you may want to see or assess of how you interact with your wife (since you stated you hate her) does it show to him.  Kids would much rather be from a broken or divorced home then live in a hostile one.  That isn’t is from personal experience.

Lastly, it does really sound as if your dealing with some major depression issues...could be from what is going on in your life or just chemical, I don’t know.  Getting help for dealing with depression isn’t just all about dealing with the symptoms but also recognizing the symptoms and not letting yourself get to these really low, lows.  Knowing what your trigger points are and heading them off and trying to live the best life you can.


Co~Mod: Depression
Moderator: Heart & Cardiovascular Disease

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jun 2004
Total Posts : 1372
   Posted 10/2/2006 1:34 PM (GMT -6)   
I was in a loveless marriage and I got out. I feel staying in a bad marriage is not good for the child. My son was 4 (he's 17 now)when I left him with his dad and I do not regret a day since. I see him twice during the week and every other weekend. I would rather miss him than subject him to living in a house with people who dislike each other and fight all the time. Not to mention I'm much happier living alone than with someone who just wants to argue all the time. I hope you are feeling better soon.

Regular Member

Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 65
   Posted 10/2/2006 3:14 PM (GMT -6)   

Why don't you use this forum as sort of a journal or diary. People way give you feedback or even simple coversation back and forth, no advice.

This way we can keep sharing our experiences and you may find that you are not alone, and may even inquire as to how others handle the same type of problems.

No advice unless you ask, promise

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