I want to thank everyone for their kind words in replying to my prior post. I know I'm not the only person with problems and many have it worse than I, so I do feel a bit guilty for posting. Maybe it helps me. Maybe it somehow helps those who read what I write.
For the record my son is 10 and tomorrow is my 14th wedding anniversary. Once again there will be no cards, no words, no dinner, no gift, no hug, no acknowledgement other than thoughts of regret. Same as any other day. We speak very little - perhaps 24 words a day if that. A good day would be if she doesn't bring it up and doesn't for some illogical reason expect anything different.
Anyway, right now I feel like a deer in the headlights - don't know what to do or say, but feeling not as bad as yesterday. I'm tired. I sleep on the couch downstairs. I think I'll call it a day.