I guess that's where I feel most helpless. Like I should know what to do and I should be able to just do it. But I have completely lost the ability to stand up for myself. I don't know if the drugs are to blame or what, I just feel over medicated, and under cared for. (My doctor sees me once a month at least for half hour sessions to just talk, it's more than anyone else is doing for me.... It's my family that I feel is most neglectful, primarily my husband, and I don't understand his lack of response.) But I'm afraid of who I am without the drugs too. I can have a very volatile temper, one which I passed onto to my son, and the anti-depressants help control that aspect of the depression. I didn't like who I was when I wasn't on the meds. I was always yelling and screaming at my son. His ADD notwithstanding, I couldn't handle anything. My son and I are a pair. We've been through hell and back together. My daughter will never know that. She's already a much more balanced personality and she's only 2 1/2, and that is partially because I've kept my temper under control during her childhood and dealt with things more rationally. I'm afraid to go back to that place. It was very dark and lonely and cruel. Now it's just dark and lonely! But I feel very confused about
what I want. I don't know what's worth fighting for anymore..... I love my husband, I don't want to destroy this family, but at the same time, I need more than this.... And I'm confused by his lack of response to the whole situation. I'd give anything to know how he feels about
how I'm feeling. I'd give anything to get some kind of response from him that's more than three words. I know part of the problem is he's still going through the grieving process too, after all she was his mother, and I think losing his job was a shot to his ego but I'm tired of watching him sit and lick his wounds, while I suffer in silence, holding all the pieces together. I just don't know what to say or do anymore. It's all very confusing. I see my doctor and tell him how I feel and he gives me the response so I don't feel crazy. I talk to friends and they seem to agree with me, but when it comes time to confront the situation, it just all seems so much more complicated and my husband has a way of turning things around very quickly and then I loose my footing and I accomplish nothing, except making me feel worse. So I just feel caught in this crazy pattern and I keep accomplishing nothing with my life. It's hugely depressing that I have little to no personal accomplishments to show for turning 30 next year. I feel like I'm where I was ten years ago. My son will be ten next week. I am hardly able to digest that fact. But except for being married and having my daughter, I have not done anything with my life. I've tried, and tried, and tried. But there have been so many obstacles. And I'm just feeling very beaten. It's not to say I'm not grateful for many things. If my parents had not been there and been incredibly supportive when I had my son, I'm not sure either of us would be here today. I know that I have a lot of blessings. For that matter, my son could have only ever known a mother. He's lucky he has somebody to call father because he almost didn't. My husband was my angel back then. I want my angel back. After all these many years of supporting him through school, holding the fort down during his years of horrible shift work, believing in him when he tried to start his own business (and failed) and then supporting him through a year of unemployment and along the way putting my dreams on hold so many times, I've lost count, I feel deep down in my heart that it's my turn and it's my turn by right, but he just doesn't seem to get that. And if he does, he has a very funny way of showing it. Throughout all our years of marriage, I've been the glue that's held everything together, but this glue is about
to crack and I'm afraid of the fall out.... So as I said, even though I know what I should do, and I know what I can do, everything just feels so jumbled up that I don't know where to start..... And I'm already in so much emotional and physical pain, I'm afraid of finding more down whatever path I choose.... I live for today because I've forgotten yesterday and tomorrow is a scary place....
Thank you for the words of support. There's a lot more where this came from. I could write forever. I was in the literary arts program in high school, writing is very natural for me! Or at least it was, I've even lost some of that right now. Everything is work.... But it's 1:14 am and last night I got about
2 hrs. sleep because I just didn't feel like sleeping. I'm exhausted but when I sleep I often encounter a lot of bad dreams, apparently that seems to be a side effect of the Effexor. Some nights I take a sleeping pill but I have to have at least 8 hrs to devote to sleep before I need to get up, and I hate the taste sleeping pills leave in my mouth. And this is the one time of the day, the house is quiet and I can hear my thoughts, nobody is bugging me to sit on my lap and play winks over and over (my 2 yr. old loves winks and she'll interact with them. Send her a kiss and she'll kiss the computer screen! It's too cute!). Anyways, I need some sleep tonight. My son has been late for school every morning this week so far, I really need to get up and get him on his van. But that's the other thing, once I'm in bed and sleeping, I could stay there forever, and mornings are horrible. I've not adapted well to having to take over the morning schedule now that my husband isn't around to handle it. It's the one time of the day, I don't handle very well at all and my son is suffering for it. He needs to be in school and on time, and of course I just feel like crap because I can't perform a simple task of parenthood, and then of course my mother gives me a lecture this morning about
abusing the privileges of working for family.... I'll agree there are some nice aspects to it, flexible hours among them, but it's not all sweets and candy or however that saying goes! There's no escape from family, and I've thought about
leaving but with my qualifications, I'd have to take a nearly 50% pay cut to work else where, especially in this day and age where you can't even apply for most jobs if you don't have a College diploma or more. They won't even look at your resume.... And I can't afford to take the pay cut. That's part of the reason I want to have my own craft business. But right now I'm only in the research and development stage, testing out products and such on family and friends, researching the business aspect of things (and the work I've done for my dad over the last ten years will definitely come in handy here - I've learned a lot about
keeping the books from my dad!) But I'm so overwhelmed by everything, I feel overwhelmed by the idea of the business, even though it's what I want more than anything else. I have to be much more stable before I can take that idea to full fruition. Right now I couldn't handle the demands, which is another reason for going on sick leave for awhile. It would give me that time to get myself back together and healthy again. Although I've reconciled myself to being on, at the very least, a low dosage of anti-depressant for the rest of my life to help keep certain aspects of the depression under control, I know I can be better than I am right now, I just need the time and a little TLC. I'd love to just hand the reigns of responsibility for this family over to my husband for awhile. Not have to worry about
finances, groceries, laundry, dinner, cleaning, managing my son's ADD and other issues, etc.... for even a month, would be heavenly but I realize that's probably too much to ask... Besides I could never completely disconnect from my kids. They are my sunshine in this dark time. If it weren't for them, who knows.... On the other hand, if I didn't have kids, I'd probably have a College/University diploma and have done some travelling and while I might be married, it wouldn't have been because my son was turning 2 and needed a more stable family environment..... (HAHAHAHA - that's a joke! Hind sight is 20/20 they say!) Not that that is the only reason I married my husband either... I love him immensely, we're just very disconnected right now and it all started with the death of his mother because the previous two years before her death, we had an amazing relationship - we were able to discuss things and talk. My daughter wouldn't be here otherwise! I want to get back to that again where he was more intune with my needs, but he just seems confused about
what he needs to do. And I don't know what else to say or do...
Anyways, I've rambled a lot longer than I intended. It feels good to get that off the chest though. Sometimes writing before I go to bed helps keep the demons away....
So thank you for "listening"!
It would be easier to tell people I have cancer than it is to tell them I am severely depressed.....