Posted 10/6/2006 6:16 AM (GMT -6)
I am not having a good morning today. I guess it's the fatigue of Friday setting in partially. I don't want to go to work, I haven't been overly productive this week. I have good weeks and bad weeks. This one has been not so good. I work for my dad's law firm, and my mother is the head secretary. And I know I need to talk to them about all the crap that's going on but it's really hard. They really don't totally understand depression. They think I'm on too much medication, which I probably am! But even with that level in my system (225mg of EffexorXR) I'm just barely managing from day to day. My doctor has added tryptan to it hoping it will boost the effectiveness of the Effexor because I think it is working, without it I would be a complete and total mess. But I'm waiting for us to get registered on my husband's new health insurance. He just started his new job about three weeks ago and we only just got our codes and everything to access the system. Hopefully on the weekend we can sit down and get everything sorted out and then I can go in and take care of filling that prescription. We are covered right now but we'd have to pay the full amount and submit receipts. We just can't afford that at the moment. We don't hardly have enough money to buy milk, thank God my husband gets his first pay cheque today. Hallelujah!!!!
I am so sore today too. I have Fibromyalgia as well, though I'd partially forgotten about it til I came to HW and checked out the FMS forum. The depression had just been so much at the forefront of my life lately and I associated a lot of my pain and memory loss and fog with the depression and while the depression definitely contributes, I think it's an aggravator for my symptoms of FMS, the FMS is probably still the primary reason for the pain in the first place. But they definitely feed each other, so to speak.
If any of you have followed my other threads, you know that part of my problems lie with my husband. I love him dearly. But he doesn't seem to get it. And it's starting to drive me crazy. We are seeing a counsellor together and even though I express my feelings of frustration there and say that my depression is so horrible these days he seems to walk out of the room and then act like nothing happened. I write him letters and I'm lucky if I get any response. There might be a slight adjustment in his attitude or behaviour for awhile but that's it. I wrote him a poem for our anniversary and I was lucky to get "I like it" out of him, and I had to ask him what he thought. He just seems to want to deny my illness because it's easier to do that then deal with it, wish I could do that!!!! I wrote him another e-mail yesterday, and I was very straight forward in my request. Give me some sort of response, acknowledgment, even if it is to get mad. I'd rather he got mad than said nothing and pretended like he never got the e-mail. I know some of it is he has no idea how to deal with me and/or the depression. But that's why I'm reading a lot of relationship based books right now, but he seems to see them as threatening. I'm just looking for hope, maybe some answers, some ideas, solutions.... It's better than he's doing.
But I'm just feeling really panicked inside because of that e-mail. Waiting for him to read it and respond it's just overwhelming, being absolutely terrified he won't and he'll just keep doing exactly what he has been doing. I want to talk to him. But everytime I try, the words get caught in my throat. I can't get them out. I'm terrified of his response, I'm terrified of making things worse, I'm terrified of losing this relationship. We have two children and my oldest, Karl is a high risk for depression, he is already showing signs. A break up would devastate him, and I have no idea how my husband would continue to deal with him, as he is not even my son's biological father. My son has known no one else and he doesn't even know about his shaky beginnings where his "real father" rejected him before he was even 2 mths in the womb. My husband came into the picture shortly after that and got me through my pregnancy, was there when my son was born and we were married when my son was just two weeks shy of 2. We have been through a tremendous amount as a family. Our first year of marriage was a terrible adjustment period, and we adopted a dog, a big huge boxer that thought she was a lap dog and needed constant attention. One of the more difficult adjustments, was my husband's mother's diagnosis with end stage breast cancer six months after we were married - almost to the day. My husband still feels guilty that he couldn't have been more there for her, though I know there is nothing else he could've done and in fact, living his life was the best thing he could've done because it was our son that kept her going, and kept her living for six years almost to the day, and in the end it wasn't the breast cancer that took her. She fell getting out of bed, broke her leg (the cancer was in her bones) and between the accident and the surgery, she developed a blood clot that went to her lungs and slowly suffocated her. She was gone less than a week after her accident. It was a complete shock and is actually the catalyst for my current depression. It's where the lines of communication started to break down between my husband and I. He pulled away from me and I needed him so much and being at odds, the lines of communication started to close and now it's almost like we've forgotten how. It's been a year and a half since her death on the 12th. We are all still suffering. I have found some productive means to manage the grief, but they provide their own stress. I have done a fundraiser every year for breast cancer since. The summer after her passing I organized a silent auction at our local triple A ball park (her first love!) and raised $1400. It was an amazing feeling but right after it, I started the steep plunge into depression because there wasn't anything there to fill the grief anymore.... The fundraiser preparations had kept me very busy after her death - too busy. That was when my doctor upped my Effexor to the 225mg and it's the only reason that I took my husband's loss of employment as well as I did. He and I switched places for the last year. He was home with the kids, while I went back to full time work for my dad until he found something again. He could've had something sooner but we put off going back to the call center shift work life til we had to, and now that's what we're doing. He's on training right now so it's not too bad, his schedule is easy to live with, but I don't know what to expect down the road, which adds to my feelings of craziness... This year I walked 52 Km (approx. 30miles) for Breast Cancer and raised a little over $2000. It was an incredible experience. I even met a lady that reminded me a lot of my husband's mom with her will to live and happiness for life.
Anyways, my son needs to get up and make his van. I'm thinking of asking my mom to stop at Tim Horton's with me on our way to work just so we (I) can talk for a bit and let her know really what's going on, but it's hard because I know my mom is under a tonne of stress herself lately. My father is on a four week trial, started this past Monday, and the two of them have work almost three weeks daily straight in preparation for this trial. And my father isn't even lead counsel on this one! So I hate burdening her with more, but at the same time I can't keep up this charade anymore. But we'll see if I have the gutts to say anything when she calls. I just so wish I wasn't going to work today. I could stay home with my daughter and let her distract me!!! The day looks like it's going to be beautiful and with the depression anyways, I find this time of year difficult because you don't get as much sunlight. I am not looking forward to the time change at the end of the month....
Anyways, enough. I've rambled long enough but it's helping me calm down. I write to control my feelings. So you can expect some long ones periodically!!!! I hope no one minds!!!! I'm just greatful for a place to come to be able to do this and have people not think I'm crazy.
Oh, and Happy Thanksgiving to any other Canadians out there!!!!
It would be easier to tell people I have cancer than it is to tell them I am severely depressed.....