I can totally relate to what you are dealing with. I myself have suffered severe depression for what seems like an eternity. As it is, I am sitting here at the computer and it is 2am, and I should have been in bed at least 2 hrs ago, but I'm avoiding it because I feel so horrible. At least being here I'm focussed on something else, lying in bed, I'm focussed on the negativity. And keeping a written log is definitely helpful for me. I am a "writer" by nature and when I feel like everything has built up so much inside that I'm just going to scream, the only way I seem to be able to ease the pressure is to let some of it flow out through my pen onto the paper or through my finger tips onto the computer screen. So I encourage you to write out your feelings and vent, as they say. It can also help you work through jumbled emotions so that when you try to deal with the problem or talk to someone else about
it, it's easier to explain, clearer in your head. I hope the medication is helping. I find at first it's wonderful but if you don't actually do anything about
what's causing the depression, you'll only end up on more drugs. So you can't just rely on the drugs to make you better. You need to learn to talk about
your feelings and if coming here helps and is a good starting point, then we're here to listen. I can say that from experience. Over the last year and a half, my EffexorXR has gone from 75mg to 225mg, and my doctor is now adding tryptan to the mix to try to help the Effexor work better. I sometimes feel like I'm fighting a losing battle, but then my kids make me laugh and I know that I have to keep fighting no matter what horrible stray thought might pop into my head. But I also need to find a balance where my needs, my dreams, my wants, are being looked after. I'm glad you have a supportive husband. If he is concerned about
your medications, take him with you to your next appointment. The doctor might be able to ease his worries. At least he's worried about
you!!!! I'm having a hard time getting any kind of a reaction out of my husband.... And that's a hugely frustrating point for me. I want to talk to him and tell him how I'm feeling but I am afraid he won't have the time for me or he'll brush me off or he'll fall asleep and I'll end up talking to what might as well be an empty room again! Anyways, I do need to force myself to go to bed, maybe getting up and moving around will help these overwhelming feelings of sadness dissipate a little. It's like a set of 100lb weights sitting on my shoulders... And part of the problem is, I don't want to go to work tomorrow.... Anyways, I hope the drugs are helping you think clearer. Write as much as you want, I know I do!!!!! And most importantly, take care of yourself! You'll never get better if you don't learn to make yourself a priority from time to time. My best years have been when I've found the time to look after myself... But in the last year and a half since my mother-in-law's death, I have definitely not been spending enough time looking after myself and that's part of the problem. So look after yourself.... I mean it!
It would be easier to tell people I have cancer than it is to tell them I am severely depressed.....