What do you do when you feeling completely overwhelmed by the negativity? You can't hardly move. You feel like you're just going to scream or bawl but you can't even make yourself do either, it's stuck in your throat.... I need to go to bed but I can't make myself get up and go upstairs and go to bed. All day today there were a million things I should've been doing but instead I vegged in front of the lap top playing stupid games. And when my kids were around today, I would hardly stop what I was doing to tend to their needs. I slept til almost noon and my husband says, wish I could sleep past nine. I say, I wish I could wake up. I feel like I'm just walking around in another dimension. At least I finally managed to tell my mother I will be taking some sick leave from work (for anyone who hasn't read my previous posts, I work for my parents), and that was a weight lifted from my shoulders. But it was short lived. My son is turning 10 on Wednesday and I can't believe it's been ten years since they placed him in my arms. And this afternoon he had a screaming fit when I asked everybody to come with me for a walk. He didn't want to come but in the end I think he was happy he came, but oh my gosh, the door slamming, wall banging, screaming fit he put up before we went out the door. I am really worried about
him. He is so angry... And I know that I am partially to blame for that anger. The years of living with my depression, especially when he was younger when my depression came out in angry bursts too, now the meds seem to help keep that part of the depression under control. But the guilt of knowing the burden I've placed on his young soul. And even though I know guilt is a wasted emotion, it's not one that's easy to turn off either. And so I sit here at 2am, wishing I could just cry and physically let everything out, but I can't. I dont' want to go to work tomorrow, but I can't handle a whole day with my 2 1/2 year old, she's just too busy for me. I can't keep up right now. My spirit and soul are as tired as my muscles and joints, and it's hard to make myself do things. I wanted to get out this weekend and tear out my garden and plant some bulbs I picked up Friday but I just couldn't get myself to get up and go do it. I'm planning on starting fresh out front. A few years of neglect have left my gardens looking a little... well... tired, so I want to start fresh next year. Once I am started, I'm okay. It's getting started. Everything just seems like an insurmountable obstacle these days. And I know that compared to some people, I have nothing to complain about
, and I wish I could just snap out of it. But it's like I'm trapped in a prison to which I don't have the key.... Anyways, I just wanted to try to write a bit and see if it would help me get some sleep. I need sleep. I have to get my son up and on his van in the morning. My mother has been calling around 7am to wake us up and it's been helping. But going to bed at 2:30 - 3:00 am is somewhat counter productive too. Unfortunately it sometimes feels like this is the only time I can really hear my thoughts. My kids are asleep, the house is quiet, etc.... And sometimes that's a good thing, sometimes it's not. My thoughts are not always good company! Anyways, thanks for listening.
It would be easier to tell people I have cancer than it is to tell them I am severely depressed.....